Submitted by GiraffePlane9218 t3_z6vqot in relationship_advice
Sorry this is my first post and I'm not sure I will do it right. I really need advice
My partner had a mental breakdown earlier this year, and his doctor put him on a cocktail of different prescriptions for just about anything that might be causing the symptoms. I was there through everything, hospital trips and appointments, I took on all the household tasks and finances, and I had to become a full time carer to him. I was coping ok with work and caring for both him and our child, but then the cocktail of meds caused damage to his organs and suddenly everything was terrifying. We didn't know how much damage was caused, or how long it would take to heal, or which organs were damaged.
Well we got our answer. He will never work again, and I will be his full time carer for the rest of his (hopefully normally long) life. I'm ashamed of how hard this hit me, I didn't say anything but I often cried and let it all out when no one was around. Mostly I wanted him to be healthy and happy again, but also I won't lie I had been waiting and hoping for the day when we would finally have two wages coming in again. I felt like all my dreams died. I told a friend what had happened and she said I should use and ultimatum, that he either had to get well or get out of my life.. I was even more hurt by that, he isn't going to magically get better if I throw a hissy fit. And I can't stress this enough, this man is my soulmate. He is everything to me, my best friend, the love and light of my life.
I do know that everything could have played out much worse, and I don't want to be overdramatic, but everything is really hard right now, and I am struggling with the weight of it all. Some days I feel so exhausted I can hardly take care of myself after sorting out my partner and our child. I'm very very tired.
My partner is depressed about how useless he is (in his eyes) and says he feels like he's not even a man anymore. He's never been the toxic masculinity type, he is more of a homemaker than me, so I was shocked to hear such old-fashioned ideas. I think he's just sad and shocked about the past year maybe? But I really need him to get back to feeling less depressed, even if it only makes his life 10% easier, so I'm kinda on here begging for any advice for making him feel more like a 'manly-provider'. If there are any people out there in similar situations who can help me find ideas for enrichment activities or hobbies that might make him feel a little bit more like my hero (which he is. He just can't feel it anymore)
How do I make him feel manly and strong?
UPDATE
There's been an amazing change in his health between his last tests and his most recent. His ALT (the chemical your liver releases when it is damaged) has fallen from 163 to 70. Which is really relieving because normal is 40ish, so he's really much closer. Starting to hope he might be able to turn it around and get back into the normal range by early next year? We know he will always have to be very careful of his organs health from now on, but it's really great news regardless.
He is much more awake and alert, has been helping with housework and childcare, and is much more cheerful. We are both starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope the worst is behind us, and his new energy and abilities stick. He is no longer sleeping or drowsy 18-20 hours a day, and is starting to look less weak and feeble. He still won't be able to work, but he is able to be a team player again, and that's exactly what he needed I think.
He read a lot of the comments here and is planning on growing vegetables in our garden so he can alleviate some of the weekly food spend, and he's planning on getting into crafts to sell at a market in summer. A few people suggested woodwork and leatherwork, and he is really looking forward to getting into those.
I am also going to get a lot more support as we have been told how to access that both in the comments and finally by his doctor. He is off to therapy next week, and I will get some counselling too.
I am still struggling with negative thoughts, and am starting to realise that I am actually a little bit depressed myself, though not as much as he has been. I am going to be open with my counselling service about this, but these comments really have let me know that it's ok to feel all of this. I reached out to one of my best friends to discuss how I'm feeling and she said it's only natural that I - as a people pleaser- would be overwhelmed by someone's hurt that I am unable to make better. She also reminded me that relaxing and taking time for myself has never been long baths or lie ins, I need time to do pointless cheerful activities, like going for coffee or taking a walk, or painting. So I've been giving myself time for random happy activities.
Thank you so much to everyone that gave us advice. It's all feeling a lot better this week. We are going to follow some of your advice and create a blog or YouTube channel or something to document our journey. I will update again when I have some details on that, just in case any of you want to follow it or pop in from time to time.