Submitted by rndiabetes t3_z9bvok in relationship_advice
3 years after we had our first son my husband quit his sales job without consulting with me. It is now 5 years later and we have three more kids. When he worked he made about the same as I did and now because he doesn't work I have to work 2 jobs to make up for his salary. He does cook but I do most of the cleaning, almost all of the dishes, and all of the laundry and am stressed and depressed most of the time. When I bring it up to him he uses the excuse that he can't go to work and trust me to be alone with the kids and cause them to become depressed. (When I was postpartum with the last three kids I was really depressed and suicidal, ie I would verbalize feelings that I wanted to kill myself - it was really quite terrible and I felt like everything was hopeless and there was no way out. This is his major argument for him not trusting me with the kids).
But who wouldn't be depressed if they are forced to work all the time. I really am beginning to hate him, but am unsure what to do. I don't want my kids to have their life disrupted from a divorce but sometimes I'm at lost of what to do.
Background note: We've been together since senior year in high school so this is 22 years later. In retrospect I grew up with him and when we were younger he had plans and aspirations that I thought would work. His parents also went through a divorce because his mom was the sole provider and his dad couldn't hold a job. She ended up working 7 days a week, never spent any time with the kids, was stressed out all the time and during the period we met his parents were going through a divorce - dad cheated on mom and left for his childhood sweetheart who was ok with him not working. His mom was distraught and he took care of him for a while. I never thought he would not work. He held a job for three years when we had our first but quit that job three years later when we had our 2nd. In the past five years on and off he's been taking lump sums from his mom (who felt guilty in giving him the burden of taking care of her during the divorce - but it seems as if she's run out of money as well). I keep trying to justify to myself. At least the kids have one parent home taking care of them. At least he plays with them. But truthfully if he stuck with his old job (which was sales for a consulting firm) he would be making the same if not more salary as me. And I feel like I have three jobs as I hold my two outside jobs working 6 days a week 10-12 hrs a day, manage all household appointments (play dates, doctors appointments, bills, parent teacher conferences), dishes, laundry, and cleaning. I think it would be a different story if I agreed to this, or there was even a discussion, but I feel as if the sole provider was pushed on me with the manipulation that he knows I care about the kids and would force myself to work rather than not be able to provide them with the necessities..