Submitted by tommen8998 t3_zaoyk5 in relationship_advice
So for the last year we’ve been fighting regularly. It sucks because before that we were long distance for like 8 months and it was somehow heaven on earth, even from afar although we desperately wanted to be together.
You can read my other posts and see what’s going on. Despite all we have in common and how wonderful I think this person is, I feel emotionally distant from this person and wish we had sex 3-4 times a week but he’s cool with 1. He’s busier than me (although I also work a 9-5).
Before we started and when first moved in together, he said he was watching porn daily. This included masturbating in public places, like work/bathroom, and once we were with friends and he stepped away to jack off in the bathroom. That one stung cause I was right there and maybe we could’ve just had sex later?? Well, it seems like this frequency stopped, both from what I’ve been able to see and what he’s told me. He agreed that it was better for us that he did so.
But on my end it felt like it was STILL affecting our intimacy and he said he’d go a month w/o watching it. When I asked within the month if he had done it, he said he “gave in” once.
To be clear I send him nudes but apparently he doesn’t use them to jack off ever. He used to, when we lived apart, but now that we live together, he doesn’t. He also has a kink that I can't fulfill, so he says that’s why he’s always going to chose this porn over me. That he needs it.
It kills me. It makes me feel so undesired and the more I make that known the worse our fights get. Idk what to do. It feels hopeless for us both but I wish there was a way to make it work. We also still live together (with roommates) so breaking the lease isn’t exactly an option right now.
That being said, want to make it work…I’m willing to incorporate him watching porn w/ me sometimes, so he can get some of that kink fulfilled while I’m around. And I’m also ok with him just “using me” to get his rocks off. Tbh I think that’s kinda hot. I have never turned him down, but he has turned me down in the past which sucks when I know it’s usually because he already jacked off recently. I’m trying to be OK with him watching it (I was fine w/ other bfs watching it in the past) but it sucks to hear that someone would really pick porn over me/our relationship.
What do you think is a good compromise for both parties? Also general advice is always appreciated.
I realize we should definitely go to couple’s therapy if we want to make this work. We’re just also kinda broke atm. I’ve also never even had a personal therapist before.
Thanks for reading…