Submitted by ThrowRA_765827397876 t3_zdlzm8 in relationship_advice
Yesterday, my [30M] girlfriend [25F] said she had something kinda serious to discuss and asked me when I envisioned us getting married. We started dating in late February so it hasn’t even been 10 months. I told her that I always figured I’d want to be in a relationship for about 3 years or so before I would feel ready for that. She seemed very surprised by this and said she felt like we could get married much sooner. It led to a big conversation that involved a lot of tears. We didn’t get angry or upset at each other, but it was just clear that we didn’t see eye-to-eye on this.
Some background: I live in the US and she recently came here from Brazil. We met about a month after she moved here. She was on a tourist visa but it expired and she was just recently approved for a student status here. She told me that she feels terrible about not being able to work here and said she knows if she was married to a US citizen she’d be able to get a green card and start working. Her sister moved here first and married a guy after dating for only 10 months. She currently lives with them.
She told me that she knows I’m the one for her and doesn’t see the need to delay marriage. She said she’s not expecting me to propose tomorrow or anything like that, but it seems like if it were up to her, we’d probably get married sometime next year.
I do really really like this girl, but I just feel like it would be so irresponsible for me to marry someone after so little time together. Also, she’s really the first girl I’ve been in a relationship with and I sometimes find myself worrying that I only like her because of this. I don’t think that’s true but I wonder. We never fight or have any issues. She spends each weekend at my house and we always have a great time just hanging out or going places together.
Things are still fine between us after the conversation, but obviously I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m wondering if maybe I could propose that she move in with me after like one and a half years of dating. Does that sound reasonable?
EDIT: Can people please stop commenting things to the effect of “she’s just trying to get a green card” or “this sounds like a green card marriage to me?” I understand many people have this idea and it’s starting to drive me crazy. I’m going to have a serious conversation with her tomorrow about this and just say that I won’t be ready for marriage until probably about 3 years of dating and ask her if she’s ok with that. If not, then that’ll be that.
UPDATE: We had a long conversation about this last night. I explicitly asked about whether she viewed our relationship simply as a means to a green card. She unequivocally denied this and reassured me that all she wants is to just be with me. She also told me that if she simply wanted a green card, she would easily be able to find a lonely, desperate guy who would marry her, and even mentioned that her brother in law apparently knows a guy just like this. However, she said she’s not the kind of person to do something like that.
The bottom line that I feel from her is that she’s just desperately scared of having to go back to Brazil. She knows that marrying me would basically solve the problem which is why she brought it up. However, as I told her I’m simply not comfortable with that after less than a year together. She is on the student visa but is only enrolled in a school that teaches English. She had wanted to enroll in the local community college to start her actual degree but the cost ended up being more than she and her sister/brother in law could afford. So they are going to save and she’ll try to enroll next year. She feels as though her whole life here sits on a knife’s edge and it’s very stressful for her. All I can do at this point is try my best to reassure her that everything will be ok. It’s such an unfortunate situation to be in but I hope everything works out.
I did propose that she move in with me sometime this summer and that we can try living together for about a year before we decide on marriage. She was agreeable to that, however she also said that she felt waiting a year after moving in would be too long. This stems purely from her fear that something will go wrong with her visa (her brother in law losing his job seems to be her biggest worry). Despite that, she said the plan sounds good to her.