Submitted by NightfallAlicorn t3_znmzca in relationship_advice
My husband (30M) and I (30F) just got married after a long relationship of 13 years together. I love him deeply and he makes me feel like a princess, however, since the wedding (back on October) we only had intimacy once. At this point, is more than unusual, we were living together before the wedding and we had intimacy at least 3 times per month and I was ok with that, even though I insisted on having it more frequently. But now he seems to ignore the whole thing, I already asked him twice this week and he just keep playing videogames or watching TV. I don't know in which other way I can put this matter on the table, I don't want to pressure him and I have already made up my mind on other things about this marriage (like he never bring me flowers even though I have asked, he helps with house chores but he is always angry while doing those, so I just accepted that he is like a mini Grinch in general). Should I also make up my mind that we are going to have intimacy once per month if lucky? How can I bring this issue to the table with out pushing him so much?
EDIT: We went tonight for some iced coffee and to so some groceries, we were playing and joking like we normally do, he was laughing and then he told me: "I'm sorry, I guess I just needed to hang out with you alone, I have been feeling a little depressed lately and I just needed a good laugh" I started talking to him about his feelings and how I felt about the fact we haven't been having intimacy, he apologized and told me he has been feeling a little bit down. I offered him to go to a cabin in the forest near to our home for Christmas and spend a good holiday alone, since he is not an extrovert, he agreed with me and he is looking now for a good cabin so we can stay during Christmas. Thanks a lot for the advices, and for the people who was actually nice and neutral on my questions.
To answer a few questions I saw are the most popular: No, nobody was forced into the marriage, we both agreed
No, I don't think he is gay or asexual or anything like that, we are really open to each other and even if he has this bro romance with some friends of him, I know for sure he is not gay
Yes, he helps me with chores at home, he is grumpy about it mostly cause he likes to be cozy and not to bother. We have talked about this as well and he promised me to clean everything after he has used it.
No, I'm not divorcing him just because he haven't had intimacy in a couple of weeks. He is more than just a dick and this is something we can totally work together.
I'm not or never was afraid to talk to him about our sex life, but we talked about this back on November and I didn't want to push anything on him, mostly because he is the person I love and a human being I care about so I try to be delicate on delicate topics, I don't want to hurt his feelings.
No, I don't think I committed a mistake marrying him. We can definitely work together to be better as persons and as a couple, he is willing, I'm willing to work on that
I asked for advice since I just felt a little bit lost and was not sure how to talk to him about it but it came on the simplest of ways and I'm happy for it.
Again, thanks a lot for the help.
Update:
We talked all night long (I really need some sleep lol) and yeah, pretty much he has been feeling depressed being home all alone. I told him I was confused then, cause he is always grumpy when we need to go outside to do some groceries or to pay some bills. He explained to me he doesn't understand it either cause he loves to be at home but he told he is feeling like trapped. So we decided today we are going to buy the Christmas gifts and decorate the outside of the house as a family project. He is excited to actually go outside today, which I'm confused but happy, since he never gets happy for being outside.
Also: c'mon guys, I've known this man for 14 years, don't say things like:"oh it could be dangerous to be in a cabin in the woods alone with him", he is my husband, not a perfect stranger. I suggested the cabin cause I know for sure when he is feeling down, he needs a safe and relaxed place where he can feel apart from the world and go hiking or fishing, nothing wrong with that, I love nature and I'm pretty sure once he is relaxed, I'm going to be able to talk to him about doing some therapy.
Also, not making excuses, but I'm kind of sure he's into the Autism Spectrum cause he makes a big deal when we have to do some changes, even if they are minor changes (like taking lunch at 5 instead of taking it at 4), he is grumpy and he is not social at all and he feels weird to connect and bond with new people. I'm pretty sure we are going to find out on therapy but he is afraid cause he thinks being in the spectrum makes him retarded and I don't think that at all and I'm willing to help him.
And finally, no, we have decided to not have any children. It's not for us and even we enjoy to take care of children for friends and relatives, we have both agreed it's something we don't want to do for the rest of our lives.
So he is pretty much depressed, we are willing to work on it and I'm going to support him doing baby steps first, doing family projects and taking some rest from the world before going to therapy so we can understand even better. Thanks a lot for the advices.