Submitted by [deleted] t3_zqfvwb in relationship_advice
I had to create a throwaway account and I don’t know where to post this but I really REALLY need help.
My partner and I went out to a rave a dew days ago. We both had had a few drinks beforehand (nothing I haven’t been able to handle before and we both drank the same amount), and we were having fun. After a while though, it’s like “a switch flipped” according to him. I went from having fun to being really paranoid and acting strange (i.e., not having much motor control, saying the DJ had been playing the same song for too long (he hadn’t) and that I was going to go up and talk to him, kept trying to sit on the floor in a corner of the room, etc.). I remember feeling like the whole world turned evil. Kind of like a bad trip? The music felt triggering, the room felt darker and ominous. Eventually my partner got worried and tried to take me home and called an Uber. While we were waiting for it, I kept saying I was freezing even though I was wearing appropriate winter attire, and there were people outside wearing less than I was. The Uber had to stop a couple of times because I kept having to get out to throw up. Once we were close enough to my home, my partner told the driver we would just walk the rest of the way since it was just a couple of minutes away and I had to throw up again. The second we got outside I felt like I was freezing again and accused him of being embarrassed of me and saying that to the driver (he wasn’t and he didn’t). He kept trying to get me home and I kept yelling that he was embarrassed by me. I walked in front of an oncoming car and he pulled me back to safety just in time. Once we were at my home I continued ranting about how I would never feel embarrassed by him. I remember my hand pushing his hair back and I also remember holding his jaw. He told me the next day that I had hit him as well and had been telling him I wanted him out of my house. I don’t remember this. I remember him crying on the floor. It’s hard to breathe as I write this. Apparently I eventually became docile and he helped me get undressed so I could shower. He went to bed and was asleep by the time I came to join him. Neither of us slept well if at all. We have never hurt each other, he is the most precious person to me and I love him the most. I don’t understand what happened at all and I am so scared because I don’t want to ever hurt him again. I don’t know what caused it. The whole time all this was happening I thought I was asleep and having a bad dream, a really awful nightmare, and that I was going to wake up soon and he would be asleep next to me. I was looking at him but I couldn’t see him, if that makes sense, I can’t remember his face throughout all of this. I felt drugged or possessed. I don’t know what happened, and I really hope I can get insight especially if someone has experienced this before. Please. I don’t want to ever hurt him or put him through this ever again.
Sorry, just editing to add that the drinks we had were at a bar, not the rave, if that changes anything. Also, I’m used to drinking way more than this, and the worst that happens when I’m drunk is I cry and go to sleep, but other than that I just become happier and more social since I’m pretty anxious/awkward when sober. My partner is the only person who has ever been around me when I’ve had a lot of drinks and he agrees that nothing like this has ever happened before.
EDIT: I further want to add that I am not the one who ordered any of my own drinks. My partner did and he usually monitors my alcohol intake, and that night we had the exact same number of drinks (~5 shots of vodka each and we shared ~3 blue lemonades). Neither of us are alcoholics as we drink maybe twice a month and only in social settings. As I mentioned in the comments, we don’t take any drugs and I have gone to therapy for my anxiety so I don’t use alcohol to “medicate” at all. In fact, I don’t ever drink when I’m alone, only when I’m out with my partner and our friends. I also was not an empty stomach when we were drinking.
FINAL EDIT: thank you for your feedback everyone. I did not make this post to gain sympathy for myself, the sympathy and empathy should all be for my partner because it is actually him who suffered the most. I made this post because I wanted to rule out if there was any other possible thing that could have contributed to how I acted. I read a comment that said that the world didn’t turn evil, but that I turned evil. I agree with this 100% because this is not who I ever wanted to be and it’s against everything I stand for. I didn’t state my gender because I wanted a fair trial as I know a lot of people side with the woman even when the roles in abuse are reversed. When I asked him what I had done exactly because I wanted to know how I hit him, he said I had been trying to grab his chin but my hand slipped and my knuckles ended up hitting him in the chin before I could grab it. And that I had grabbed his hair and he said even though neither of these things hurt him physically, it hurt him emotionally because of how I was looking at him. I’m not okay with this because I consider this abuse as well, and if the roles were reversed I would definitely avoid being with him. I have told him that he has every right to leave me and I have also apologized even though an apology can’t reverse what has already been done. He is an amazing person who definitely deserves better, and I honestly can’t understand why he still wants to be with me. I made edits to my post to add information that I didn’t include the first time in case it would be relevant to the story, not to make excuses for the behaviour. If it’s a possibility that the alcohol caused it, I accept that as well, because I’m not trying to avoid not drinking/drinking less or avoid accountability. I also said that I felt drugged, not that I actually was drugged (that I know of), not to make excuses but to explain how I was actually feeling in the moment as I have never felt that way before and wanted to know what it could mean. To those who commented who have actually gotten drugged or know someone who has, I’m so so sorry and I really hope things are better for you all now because what you went through is absolutely horrible! I will definitely be going to therapy to figure this out as well, and also cutting back on alcohol especially in terms of the number of drinks I consume over time. I do not get drunk every time I drink, nor do I cry every time I drink. I stated that as an example of my usual worst case scenario. I will also be going to get my hair tested for drugs just in case, so that possibility can be ruled out as I thought it was unlikely until I read some comments about skin contact or injections etc.