Submitted by [deleted] t3_zra6ql in relationship_advice
Edit: I have reached out to a family member again. I am hoping she does not write me off this time, as she has in the past. If I cannot stay with her, I will see if I can be accepted at a shelter, there are not many around where I am. I do not want to disclose my location as it would likely out me as my s/o is a well known person. I found a program that is similar to a halfway house through one of the hospitals I have had surgery- I have to be approved but I am working on gathering info for that. There is a blizzard coming so I cannot drive through it safely. I will have to be smart about that. I can see about finding a cheap hotel to stay at or a friend’s but I cannot leave the state in my car with weather like this. My car is a non human lifeline, so I do need it. I understand what you are all saying about my therapist and I agree. I have said that quite a few times in the comments. I don’t feel sorry for myself? I’ve unfortunately incessantly concluded that we of right now I hate myself and want my ass kicked into fucking gear. My mother did exactly this. Was also beaten, along with myself and my sister so the understanding of the danger is not what I’m lacking. Unfortunately I came here because I did not feel my situation was that bad and just felt that people I have talked to about it were biased. (Understandably so). I have also convinced myself I am dramatic and that what is happening to me is not as bad as it could be. Which is often what I tell my therapist when it comes up. About therapy, my therapist and I have only had maybe 4-5 sessions specifically talking about my partner. I rarely want to talk about it. I do want to clarify that she is not single-handedly making these plans. I am talking through them, she helps me make a pros and cons list. I have a hard time accepting help for myself. When I accepted help from someone in the past, I was sexually assaulted in a place I thought I was finding relief from abuse. So I struggle to feel safe all of the time. So I weigh “is this more safe than this option” constantly in my mind. According to my therapist “I have a bleeding heart for everyone else and a knife to my throat for myself.” And I am trying disgusting hard to do this. I am going to provide more updates as they come.
For context, I’m a 25f married to 26m. We’ve been married for about 6 years. I have a background of severe trauma and have been in therapy (pro bono)for several years. My current therapist has been my provider for a year. We have been working extensively on my trauma, IFS therapy, DBT, the works. I was doing well. Finally reaching my “window of tolerance” which I was in and then would be pushed right out of it. Mostly by my partner and his family. My in laws are honestly terrible. Both to me and my partner. I don’t have a relationship with My family other than when they manipulate into one. That being said, I don’t have a ton of support. I don’t live in the state I grew up in and have never really gone out of my way to make friends. I’m socially awkward and the friends I do have, have lives that include children so I see them when they are free. My partner and I have always had the same issues, well over a decade. We have attempted to work through them but they are not getting any better. We have sought help individually and have considered couple’s therapy but I am honestly to a point that I don’t think it will help. I’m struggling because I have a hard time letting go of partners and I will generally hang on until the bitter, nasty end. I have been in two abusive relationships prior to this. ( I was a MINOR and these were ADULT MEN I was arranged to have relationships with by members of a CULT.)
Now to the current situation: we have started have knock down, drag out fights. To the point to where I worry it will become physical. He has thrown things and put holes in the wall because of it and then apologizes and what not. Then I feel bad. He has issues because his mom left when he was young so when I want to leave, I get guilt tripped and then feel awful about “leaving like his mom did”. The last few times we have gotten into it, I don’t even recognize myself because of my reactions. After the fact, I feel cold and just full of indifference/hatred. I don’t really even like him anymore. But I unfortunately am financially dependent on him. I have health issues that have hindered me from working a full time job for quite some time and I am not able to leave unless I rely on others (people who are responsible for most of my trauma). My therapist and I have sat down and created a safety plan for me, as my mental state is not good. She also wrote out pros and cons of different ways to leave. This has been a vicious cycle for years but mainly the past 11 months. I often think about and start to leave but then I second guess myself and go back. My therapist has made it VERY clear that I am in an unhealthy, toxic and abusive relationship. I am not getting my emotional, mental, sexual or physical needs met. Financially? Yes- but the rest. Absolutely not. At my last session, my therapist let me know that “if I do not change the environment that I am in and continue to regress, I will have no choice but to discontinue services, as she will no longer be able to assist me.” She also cannot “continue to watch abuse happen and do nothing about it.” There are good times, but the bad outweighs them. I often feel a void during the positive times because I am waiting for the bad to come. I understand that that is the cycle of abuse but it is really hard to deal with being in this situation.
I guess what I need is- is this worth losing my therapist over? Is this something I should continue to put effort toward? If not, can you please leave kind words of encouragement because I really need to find a way out of this so that I can live a life that is meaningful. Right now, I don’t see that ever happening.