Submitted by goatyougoat t3_zt7mps in relationship_advice
My (F early 30s) boyfriend (early 30s) and I have been dating about 2.5 years, living together for about 1.5 years. We are both introverts who need time alone, but what I am struggling with is that he wants me to leave our house when he needs space. He doesn't "tell me" but instead "suggests" that I go out to give him proper alone time. Important things to note:
- I mostly work from home, in a separate office that I pay more rent for, and he works outside. He gets 1 weekday (plus weekends) off every 2 weeks, and I work 3 days a week. On his weekday off, I go into the office (we do have an office I can work out of, but it means commuting/spending money/time etc - although I have offered once a week), to leave him the house to himself, and I try to make myself busy out of the house in the afternoons on my days off. After starting to work remotely during the pandemic, I did take this new remote/part-time job without talking to him about it a year ago - something I regret now obviously, but didn't seem a big deal at the time as he works outside, and we work the same hours, outside of the random days he gets home early (sometimes often, sometimes not). I also try to go for a walk or something after work, but he would prefer it to be more scheduled time. Even if I worked in the office three days a week, he said it's still not ideal because there's still two days a week that I'm around.
- I also catch up with friends pretty regularly - so usually once or twice a week I'm out with a friend for a few hours. I try to schedule these around his time so he can have some down time.
- We both have hobbies that we generally do in the evenings once or twice a week for 2-3 hours. I try to schedule on evenings he will be home, but he says the timing doesn't really work well for him as it's mid-evening (6-8, 7-9), rather than after work/before bed.
I feel like I'm trying to make a lot of compromises for him, and he isn't doing the same for my needs. I am an introvert too, but sometimes he gets a random day off on one of my days off, or an evening/weekend, and he still wants me to leave. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I tell him I'm not because it's our house, or because I need the alone time myself, where he then gets more frustrated and tells me I don't respect his need for time alone. I'm burning myself out trying to meet his needs, but I also am struggling because I don't feel he's trying to compromise other than saying he just will try not to be annoyed (he feels he is trying to meet my needs, so maybe I am just not seeing it).
Does anyone have any advice here/has been through a similar situation? As an introvert myself, nothing beats being home alone, but sometimes it feels like he doesn't even want to spend any time with me - although maybe that's insecurity talking. I am trying to figure out if this is an incompatibility we can't overcome, or whether there's some solution we’re missing because we're too emotionally involved and frustrated.
EDIT: this post has got a lot of attention while I was sleeping lol, so I probably won’t get to all comments. I want to point out that I know he’s not asking for time alone for anything nefarious (ie an affair), he just enjoys the place to himself, but I am glad that I posted this because it’s making me feel like like my opinion is valid and heard. We do spend time together, but lately it feels like he needs more time apart than together, and I’ll take these comments away and consider them all. I really appreciate the input from everyone, especially from fellow introverts who understand the need for recharging and still don’t see it as a fair ask. I have a lot to think about and we have a lot to discuss.