Submitted by ThrowRA_erusuaka t3_ztzgu2 in relationship_advice
UPDATED. SCROLL DOWN TO READ.
(sorry if there's grammatical errors, english is not my first language)
i'm an atheist, he's a jehova witness. i don't agree or necessarily like what their bible says but he's serious about his religion and i support him. i'm an atheist, not an asshole. i have nothing against his (or any) religion.
i knew from the moment we became a couple that sex before marriage is a BIG no no, and honestly at the start i was 100% okay with it. i loved him and still do for who he is, i don't love him because of his private parts or for the sex we might have.
it's a long distance relationship, we live around 4 hours away from eachother but it's pretty hard for us to meet often, we've been together for 6 months (we have been talking for way longer than that) and we got to meet 3 times in total, with the possibility of turning into 4 next month. we have had sex. we sexted but also did stuff in person, and pretty much every time we did he told me he would feel guilty right after because it's wrong by his religion. the more we go on in the relationship the more upset i get about it.
i really don't have any way to explain this properly, i feel like you only understand what i mean if you feel or ever felt this type of way, but i will try anyway.
i have been abused. mentally, physically and sexually by all of my previous partners. anything related to sex for me is a heavy subject, and i usually try to avoid talking about it, let alone actually do it. this changed the first time i had sex with my boyfriend. it didn't feel like sex, i felt such a deep spiritual connection with him, i felt so close to him, i felt like i could trust him and for the first time i felt like a person has no intention of hurting me. i don't like doing it with him because it gives me pleasure, i want to do it because in that moment i feel a type of love i never felt before. it warms my heart, it makes me feel loved.
today, he told me that he does not want to do it anymore (or until we get married). this BROKE me, i can't live without that kind of connection, it's addictive, it makes me the happiest person on heart. i know he loves me, a lot, but i feel like we love eachother differently. i would do anything for him, i trust him with my body after it has been hurt so many times, and him saying that he doesn't want to do it feels like he just sees it as sex and nothing more.
i need advice, literally anything. i need someone to tell me what i should do or say. you can tell me i'm dumb for hurting because of this if you think so. you can say if you think me or him are in the wrong... just anything. please, as stupid as it might sound this really hurts me. i need help.
EDIT: there seems to be a lot of misunderstandings, so i want to clear some things up. first of all, i NEVER forced or pressured him into having sex and i never want to do so in the future. everytime we did i asked him MULTIPLE times if he was okay with it. i want him to enjoy it as much as i do, otherwise i don't see the point in doing it. i'm seeing a lot of comments about therapy. i know i'm sick. i have tried therapy multiple times but it never worked out. i talked about an SA with a therapist and she told me that it's not actually SA because i was in a relationship with that person at the time it happened. therapy never worked. i have had issues with my mental health since i was 11, i've went to therapy, i was admitted into hospitals, i went through so much and nothing ever worked. i don't think i'm able to be fixed. i'm also going through a hard time right now with quite a few things happening in my life. i thought about this whole situation for a while and i realize that i'm the problem and i need to work on that. he knows about my mental health and he's supportive. he tries to help whenever he can, and he did help me a lot.
UPDATE: we talked it out. we agreed on no sex until marriage. i'll try to find some other things to do with him that make me feel as spiritually connected as having sex with him makes me feel. a lot of you were concerned about a possible future. as young as we are and as "fresh" our relationship is, we talked about marriage and kids. it's a long story but to sum it up:
-i don't have to be a jw to marry him. i asked him lota of questions about it and he said that some elders from his religion, cult, sect or whatever you wanna call it would look at him weird, he assured me that it can be done and he would not be exiled or whatever.
-we agreed on how we would want to raise our kid(s). we wouldn't force atheism, his or any religion on them. we'd just kinda let them do whatever they want to do. they wanna be atheist? good. they wanna be jw? okay. they decide they want to follow another religion? that's also fine. and about the "he would let your child die because of their beliefs", he's against that. his family is against that. he personally has had some health problems that required surgeries and medical stuff that most jws wouldn't be fine with.
VERY IMPORTANT thing i want to talk about: his family. some of you said i can't judge someone by just talking with them over the phone, and you're right. i will say this anyway; i talk quite a lot with them. THEY KNOW I'M ATHEIST. i don't talk with his father much since he's mostly at work, but i do chat with his mother very often. they seem genuinely nice people. his mother never said a word to me about their religion. she never told me to attend their meetings or anything of the sort. plus, he has a younger brother that is an ex jw and he's still being treated like a normal person. nobody hates him. his family is not judged by other jws because of that. my boyfriend is allowed to have any type of relationship with people outside of his religion. he said that they get encouraged to mostly stay with other jws, but they're allowed to speak to basically anyone. i know this is true (at least, for his family) because he has MANY friends and none of them are jws. he was always allowed to be speak, be friends, and even meet them, even when he was younger.
i'm not saying that the people that say that jws are bad people are all lying. i'm sure there are horrible people from that religion, like any other. i just think that it does not apply to everyone. i have been to some of their meetings (again, out of my OWN, FREE WILL) and i saw no red flags in what they were preaching. i might not agree with everything necessarily, but i saw nothing wrong. if in the future i notice something that might put him in danger, i will do anything in my power to get him out of that situation. for now, i don't see any reason why i should try and change his beliefs.
i have received very mean and hurtful comments on this matter, which i was not ready for. i will stop reading any further comments and i will delete this post soon. if any of you have questions or just want to talk you can message me privately.
bottom line is, we're fine. we definitely have things to work on, and i definitely have to work on myself.