Submitted by ThrowRA_Relationshp t3_zwj0vg in relationship_advice
My GF and I have been together for 8 months. We met through her younger sister (YS) that I am good friends with. Our relationship is currently long distance while she completes graduate school (1 1/2 years left). Our relationship has been intense I really do love her and she is what I would say completely head over heels for me. We see each other once or twice a month and talk everyday. We are both really busy and almost never go out anymore. So to the story GF went on a bachelorette party for her Older Sister (OS) to a prominent party city about 2 months ago. She got too drunk and made a fool of herself and was kindly asked to leave a day early from the party and so she did. She has some mental health issues and takes some medication that does not do well with alcohol. She has a habit of getting overly sloppy every once in a while and has almost quit drinking/going out when she is not with me after this event. I trusted her and believed she was just drunk and emotional taking attention away from the bride. I did not pry even though I had a little suspicion and thought she wouldn't have remembered anyways.
So over the X-mas break I met up with some old friends, one of which knows some girls who were on the bachelorette party. He confronted me and said that he heard that a couple of the girls on the trip cheated one of them being my girlfriend. This story had about 4 degrees of separation from the original source and he did not have any answers to questions I asked nor can I ask the girl this "rumor" came from. I am now suspicious and go through my GF phone while she is asleep. I find a screenshot from a conversation with OS saying "you cheated on your BF and left all night for other guys, then sat there and cried." Then would go on to say some unrelated drunkenness' that also prompted her to leave. I also found a screenshot of conversation with YS who said she has to tell me and be honest. She deleted conversations with OS and YS but did not delete conversations with her best friend, where I found these screenshots. What's important from that conversation is that best friend is trying to convince my GF to not tell me.
It has been two months since this incident and I just found out, she has not told me about nor have I confronted her yet. I am not sure what OS defines as cheating as she was at a large club all night and she called me on her way back to the Airbnb crying. I do not know if it was just her kissing random guys or intercourse, however it is cheating none the less. I am just very confused right now and going through mental gymnastics.
- Is this forgivable? She was extremely intoxicated and has since cut back as previously discussed or is the once a cheater always a cheater a concrete statement. She seemed very remorseful in the texts I read, but she has been keeping this secret.
- I want to confront her but not sure how or when. I want to give her an opportunity to come clean before I present the evidence. We are currently on a trip together that I got her for X-Mas not sure if I want to wait after the trip.
Thank you to anyone who helps I am in a rough place right now and am trying to keep my cool.
TL;DR: My GF got extremely intoxicated at a bachelorette party and cheated (not sure to the extent i.e. kiss/sex). She does not know that I am aware. I need help knowing how to confront her and if this is forgivable.
Edit: Thanks all for the advice, just some clarifications.
- It is not a consistent problem she has only gone out and gotten drunk like this a handful of times, not since this occurred though. I have asked her to go out with me with friends but she refuses claiming she is too old for it.
- We've seen each other for Thanksgiving (A full week), my Birthday (falls in-between) and Christmas as of the 23rd. In her messages she said she wanted to tell me in person.
- I actually realized I had a screenshot that I didn't read that said she kissed a guy and that was the extent of the cheating. It was a conversation with her best friend where she says she only kissed one guy but OS was saying she kissed two.
- I think what I am going to do, is wait till after the trip and confront her. It will be tough but I already spent a lot of money on this and she is taking care of most of the expenses except the hotel and airfare. I may ask some questions like would you tell me if you cheated on me. It wouldn't be completely out of character for me. Also given she is in grad school money is not the best for her and I don't think she could afford an earlier flight. I don't want to buy her a new one. (I can't switch it).
- I appreciate the people calling me out for being spineless, etc. I needed that because I am still in the denial part of grief at the moment.