Submitted by xanthopants t3_zwxe5b in relationship_advice
I live abroad far from family. My parents are split up over 20 years and my mum remarried about 5 years ago to a nice man who I thought was treating her really well.
Back in August me, my mum and her husband took a trip to visit my brother for 2 weeks and over the course of the holiday my mums husband kept talking over her, answering for her, telling her what to do and generally controlling her.
It all came to a head one evening when we were having a few drinks. I asked if anyone wanted another and my mum said yes. We’d all only had two drinks so far, no one was drunk, but my mums husband said “no she’s had enough” after my mum said yes. It was too much and I told him he shouldn’t answer for her and turned to my mum and asked if she wanted one. She said yes please again and he shouted again “No, she doesn’t need one”.
We got into it a bit, I told him he had no right to talk over and answer for her and that it was really annoying. He kept trying to argue she wasn’t to have a drink and when I didn’t let it go he tried to shut down the conversation. Telling me to be quiet and let it go. Eventually we stopped arguing I got my mum ans others the drink they wanted and there was an awkward period before we all went to bed after said drink.
Next morning I felt bad that I had called him out in front of everyone so I pulled him aside and said sorry for the way I handled it but also that it was really frustrating they way he was treating my mum. I said I should have done it in private. He tried to tell me he was just looking out for my mum because she had too much (two drinks in about 1.5hrs)…we talked for about 30 mins and agreed at the end we were ok and hugged it out.
I went back to the country I live in after that and haven’t seen him since. I talk to my mum regularly and she hasn’t mentioned anything in all that time. I had also checked in with him during the remaining days of our trip to see that we were ok. He told me it was water under the bridge.
Fast forward to Xmas. I asked my mum if me and my partner could come home to their place for the holidays. Since covid stopped us having a family Xmas two years in a row my mum seemed excited and we made plans to be here.
I’ve been here since the day before Xmas eve, 23rd and my mums husband has been progressively cold towards me. We had a death in the extended family on Xmas day so I just chalked it up to the awkwardness of that. But on 26th my mum had her best friend of 37 years over for their traditional cheese party…and her husband was absent.
He didn’t greet my mums friend when she came in. He was rude to her and ignored her when she said hello when he finally did come into the kitchen and at some point he came in again and we were arranging to go for lunch another day so I invited him along.
He shouted at me, saying no he wouldn’t be going and don’t ask him again. I said sorry, just wanted to include you, it was so rude of him. My mums friend got very embarrassed, I felt really awkward and so did my mum. Then he stormed out of the kitchen.
My mums friend left, very quickly after that and my mum went into bed with him. This morning I felt so weird and awkward and so did my partner so we decided to get out of the house and go into town for lunch. I txt my mum to ask what had happened, had I done something to annoy him? She didn’t txt back but about an hour later her husband txt me to say “I think we need to have a face to face talk”.
When I came home we went out for a walk and he told me he was still annoyed about what had happened on the holiday, 6 months ago because we needed to talk more about it (I didn’t know that - I checked with him) and that he had asked my mum to tell me I wasn’t welcome at their house for Xmas but that my mum refused. I was flabbergasted that a grown man would harbour feelings about sth that long and not say something to me. And then try to put my mum in a position where she has to tell me I’m not welcome.
I told him it was really emotionally immature of him to let it fester so long. That I had no idea he felt that way and that him being cold and standoffish this whole Xmas period without telling me he had issues was shitty. I would never have brought my partner (who has social anxiety at the best of times) into that situation had I known.
He told me he thought I was an “alpha female” who dominates the space and disrupts how him and my mum normally live and he didn’t want me there. I feel like maybe he felt emasculated on our holiday when I challenged him and has been holding onto feelings like that all this time.
I’ve never been called anything like that “alpha female”before. I don’t even know what that means really, I thought it was language incel groups use. People usually refer to me as the life and soul of any social gathering. I try to include everyone, make sure people have drinks and space to join in. I’m not domineering. I clean up after people. I pay my way. I do what I can to make sure everyone has as good a time as I am.
It’s all really really weird. I feel like he is controlling my mum, but I know she can look after herself. But to me it feels like this is his attempt to make sure the daughter who calls him out stays away for good.
I asked what he needed from me to feel ok. He said time. I said I can do that. He said I should act more like a guest when I come over and not family because it’s not just my mums house but his too - I don’t even know how to do that. My mum wants her guests to feel at home…
What do I do here? I don’t live here and I’m leaving in the morning with my partner because I feel so unwelcome here. We were meant to stay for NYE - my mum specifically asked me saying “it would be really nice if you stayed for new years instead of going to see other friends” so I’d cancelled my other plans to be with her and now I’m cancelling that - reversing everything with everyone again.
I’m lost. And hurt. And my mum is silent…though she doesn’t know what we talked about unless he told her this evening.
Everything feels bad. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed and sore.
Anyone ever been through something similar? I have no clue what to do except leave.