Submitted by throwRAirrational t3_10qekoo in relationship_advice
I (F30) thought one of my husband's (M39) friends was treating me with hostility. I asked my husband and he just said "that's just how she is" (without giving examples or anything to back up his claim) and dismissed my feelings, so I decided to go to the source.
I asked the friend (F40) about it directly, but in front of three other people. Turns out I was wrong and then we hugged. I thought it was water under the bridge and felt comfortable, I thought that at the very very least, she would not do it again (be it because we talked about it or because I showed I'm not a doormat).
My husband was big mad about it, says I embarrassed him by being too hostile, that it seemed like I wanted to fight her (I don't know how I came off, but that was never my intention) and I should have believed him when he said it was nothing.
I offered to apologize for the way I did things (how I came off and the fact that it should have been a one on one conversation) but he refused saying I'd only be putting my foot further into my mouth.
When I said that I went directly to her because I felt he dismissed my feelings, he replied "I'm always going to dismiss them if they're irrational"
Now it's been two weeks and I think we might be over the original argument, but I've been feeling very uneasy about the "irrational" comment ever since. I understood that in the future my feelings are more likely than not to be dismissed and he'd think it's fair.
These last two weeks he's been behaving normally, he's even been expressing love as he usually does, but that comment turned something in me and I feel cold towards him. He's noticed I underreact to his affections, but so far hasn't said anything about it.
I also fear that eventually we will have to see his friend again (family friend, known each other for over 20 years) and I don't know how I should act or if I should even go. He says I'm jealous of her, but I've seriously considered it in therapy and I don't think that's the case, she just made me uncomfortable.
My therapist said we teach others how to treat us, and I thought I was doing a great job but now I feel so sad, like I should've just tried not to think about it too much and powered through
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