Submitted by SimplyComplexlyOdd t3_10qefgh in relationship_advice
I’ve (F22) been friends with this person (M23) for about 1.5 years. We started as strictly a hook up (2 times) but after that semester ended that arrangement stopped and we remained just friends since then. We text fairly regularly (not always consistently however) and there has been nothing sexual since the initial hook ups. We talk to each other about our life, classes, what we got plans to do in terms of internships and jobs, etc. Typical college student stuff along with personal stuff such as family problems, personal problems, etc. We comfortably talk to each other about our relationships as well - for example he’s one of the first people along with my 2 closer friends that I excitedly told about my bf when we became official, and I occasionally gush about my bf to him. He tells me about his relationships too, though he’s not really actively trying for anything and is more focused on school and his career (though he is currently talking to someone himself). He hasnt ever made a move on me since we stopped our arrangement and is very respectful.
Fast forward, entered a relationship with my boyfriend (M24), we’re 5 months in. He’s amazing and wonderful and I love him to pieces. I know that sounds like honeymoon talk but I’m way out of that. We had a small blip about a few weeks in our relationship with him cheating but we worked past that - only reason I didnt break up with him then is because we talked through it and I believed he deserved another chance. That incident and the emotional aftermath of it quickly bumped me out of the honeymoon phase but we still went strong and worked through things. I see a future with him easily and he is my ideal partner, and vice versa on his side. The time we have been together after the incident has only further solidified those thoughts. Bottom line, bf is a great guy and is my ideal partner (despite his mistake), I see a long term future with him
Now the situation: I’m a very honest person so when I was talking to my bf about my friends and this person came up, I of course fully disclosed our past history because it felt wrong to not do that. I didnt think too much of it because again, I dont see this person sexually anymore and I’m fully committed to my bf. He’s my person, fuck anyone else. Regardless and understandably, Boyfriend is uncomfortable with me hanging out with this person. I understand why, but at the same time i’ve been friends with this person before my boyfriend entered the picture and again, havent been sexual for a while and I dont see him sexually whatsoever anymore, all of that is behind us and hasnt come up in a year. It feels very wrong to drop a friend I’ve known just because my “”new”” boyfriend is uncomfortable. That’s shitty friending. Not only that, but I dont want to give up a good friend when I am very sorely lacking good/meaningful friendships in my life
Boyfriend has said he trusts me and very reluctantly said it’s fine if I hang out with the friend but let him know when I do and only in public places. Completely reasonable.
But I’m internally conflicted. I dont wanna do something that makes my partner uncomfortable and potentially damages our relationship, but I dont want to drop a good friend. Do I drop for the sake of my relationship or do I let my boyfriend work through his uncomfortability?
A part of me feels like this is a ridiculous situation and I should obviously respect my partner. His feelings are valid and I’d feel the same in his position. But at the same time on principle alone choosing a ‘new’ romantic partner over a friend doesnt sit right with me, and I know damn well nothing’s gonna happen between us. I’m committed and I’d never cheat on a partner and then try to lie to their face about it like I didnt betray them. That’s gross people shit (yes I recognize the irony in that given bf’s past).
TLDR; Friends with an old FWB who is respectful, havent done anything sexual or even talked about anything in that nature in almost 1.5 years. Boyfriend of 5 months is uncomfortably with friendship but reluctantly gave permission to hang with them. Do I drop the friendship or let my bf get over the uncomfortablility? Any advice would be appreciated on how to manage this in a reasonable way without damaging either relationship/friendship. Or am I being dumb in trying to avoid an obvious ultimatum? :(
Futch1 t1_j6pj6uh wrote
With this particular bf - you will have to choose eventually. He says he’s ok with you hanging out publicly, but that will still eat him up and eventually it’ll resurface.
ps - very few BF’s would be ok with their GF hanging out with an ex FWB. I would be gone in a heartbeat.. We all know where the “you never have to worry about this guy” leads, and I think you need to be more honest with yourself and your feelings with him. This decision shouldn’t be so difficult.