Submitted by throwra_divorceishar t3_10213oy in relationship_advice
I [32F] am planning on divorcing my newly trans [35F] wife.
A little background; I am bisexual and have been my whole life, but mainly dated men due to my preference of being the sub in the bedroom. Met my wife almost 10 years ago now, and we've been dating since we met. She was male back then, and was up until last year. We had many issues over the years, and divorce always seemed to loom in the back of my mind. Afterall, my parents got divorced, so it's just as likely I would, right? Trust issues aside, we argued a lot, she had anger issues, I had mental illness struggles, and our relationship had never been great.
Now she's transitioning and while I always thought I was okay with her transitioning, I'm no longer romantically in love with her. She's also told me she's a sub, which ruins our bedroom dynamics. It's been months since I've felt desired in the way I want to, and that's only because we occasionally dabble in extramarital things sometimes. While that's not the most important thing in a relationship (sexual compatibility), we have always had poor chemistry. But now I've even fallen out of love romantically and it makes sex so much harder.
She even promised the one thing she would never do is get bottom surgery to remover her male genitals. I'm not going to argue over the validity of trans people not having surgeries or their right to exist, so don't bother. But I asked for that, and I asked that she save some sperm in case I ever wanted to have her kids. She wouldn't do it, she said it was too expensive. But now she's talking about bottom surgery and I plainly told her I wouldn't be okay with it.
She's going through a lot with her transition so I've stayed with her and keep telling myself I can do it, but when I spoke with my therapist he said I need to leave.
So great, but how do I do that and not have her kill herself? She's threatened suicide before if I leave and she always says she has nothing to live for if I leave her. How do I gently tell her I've fallen out of love? Is it possible to coexist with someone who you've been in love with after a divorce like this? I want to remain her friend (even if it is unlikely she would want that) because I do deeply care for her and want what's best for her. But I know deep down I need this. It's hard to kiss her, and that's not fair to her. She deserves to be desired too, I just am not the right one for her.
Tldr: Me & newly trans wife from relationship of almost 10 years already had a bad relationship. After the transition I've fallen out of love and know I want a divorce. What are the steps? How can I tell her and stay friends?
Update 1: Speaking with my therapist about the process. Thank you all for your support. I am definitely leaving, it's just a matter of when I can financially do so. I won't prolong the relationship for long, but I do need to have enough money for at least food and gas for a few months. So I'm saving and doing what I can during this time to help her strengthen her friendships and self esteem. Thanks to you all's advice- I'll also be reaching out to her family, friends, and therapist as well to let them know she's threatened suicide and to keep an eye on her when I leave. This is the best advice I read, and I appreciate those of you who are looking out for me.