Submitted by ThrowRAAHBR t3_1035cxt in relationship_advice
Hi everyone, this is my first post ever on a throwaway account so please bear with me. Sorry for the long post.
My[26F] bf[28M] and I have been together for 4 years. In the past I’ve felt that he’s taken me for granted and not prioritised me e.g. he was considering plans on my bday weekend and didn’t realise the clash until I pointed it out. He’s also recently regressing in displaying healthy communication - he was the one who taught me to talk issues out as soon as possible but now during conflicts he doesn’t seem to engage. He lets me talk and stays silent or immediately jumps to being defensive. He’s on his phone a lot more than he used to be too, scrolling social media, but used to tell me to stop doing because he didn’t like it. We almost broke up 6 months ago because of the priority issue, but promised to change. At the time I didn’t ask for anything in particular because I don’t usually know how to ask (but I’m working on it).
The issue:
Recently we were at a party with a big group of close friends. There was one girl at the party who has drifted away from the wider group. For context, she used to like another guy in the group, but began to distance herself when he got a gf and stopped talking to her as much. My bf and I have seen her a few times since, because we were invited to the same events by different mutual friends.
I could tell she was starting to develop feelings for my bf, mostly because she is not subtle at all and is imitating behaviour that she showed towards the previous guy she liked. She has said things to me about my bf that confirm she has a crush too. She’s also one of those people that’s incredibly touchy, with male friends in particular, so it allows her get away with the flirty behaviour a lot. My bf has never reciprocated but hasn’t done anything to stop the behaviour either. I’ve mentioned to him that it’s obvious she likes him and pointed out the scenarios when she’s being inappropriate. He’s not seen them as a big deal.
At the party my bf disappeared with her, and I found out they left the flat to go to hers (she lives in the same building). I texted him when I first noticed he wasn’t there because some of our friends kept asking where he went. We didn’t need more drinks and there wasn’t a party being held anywhere else - basically he had no reason to leave. I didn’t realise he’d gone with the girl at this point. Then another friend came up to me and told me how stunning I was, which I appreciated but found a bit out of her character bc she’s never been like that with anyone. It felt sympathetic. Then I started putting 2+2 together and realised that our mutual friends had noticed they left together. I texted my bf that I’d be pissed if he was with this girl, but it didn’t make him get back sooner and still no response.
When he got back I was angry but didn’t want to talk about it in front of our friends. He kept trying to bring it up and ended up saying I was acting mental when I wasn’t willing to expand there and then. This was the final straw and we left in an Uber immediately because I was on the verge of tears.
He couldn’t see how he had no regard for my boundaries, despite knowing I find this girl’s behaviour towards him inappropriate. He apologised for calling me crazy and said that he would stop being friends with her, and nothing happened when they were gone. The thing is, I trust him and know that absolutely nothing happened, but it shouldn’t have gotten to a point where he acted in a way that would require him to stop being friends with her - I never wanted that. He could have easily asked me to go with when they were leaving (seeing as I’m friends with her too), or invited me when I texted him asking where he was. I just want him to think of me in these situations and I can’t see why it’s so hard to do!
I need advice on whether the behaviour at the party was him just being naive and thoughtless, or am I the one that’s being naive here? Any tips on what I can ask him to do to show me that I am a priority?
TL;DR bf disappeared with girl at a party to go to her place. I’ve told him before that her behaviour is inappropriate towards him, but he thought I was overreacting when I was angry. Was he being naive and thoughtless or am I being naive? We have issues in the relationship and almost broke up 6 months ago because I felt he doesn’t make me a priority.
Update: To answer questions, his excuse was to go smoke because she asked him to and they were gone maybe 15 mins (I know it’s bad). I can’t explain why I don’t think anything happened, and I accept that I seem naive for that. I talked to him about it today and again heard more about how I’m overreacting, he doesn’t see it as an issue but is sorry for hurting me. More of the same gaslighting bullshit. I’m going to figure out my living situation tomorrow and move out immediately. Thanks for the brutal honesty and the kindness.