My (23 F) husband's (25 M) painal porn preferences have been wearing on me, and I don't know what to do.

Let me start by saying that I know that most painal porn is fake (at least I hope to god it is) and that porn preferences don't necessarily reflect what a person actually wants to do sexually.

I personally have a spanking fetish but consider myself a switch, partially because of the cognitive dissonance of "if this person loves me, why do they want to hurt me?" and partially because of an ironically low pain tolerance.

I've known my husband has liked anal/painal porn since very early on in our relationship, but he assures me that he'll never make me do anything I don't want to do, and he's normally very giving in the bedroom. Anal is something I have weird feelings about because of the cognitive dissonance I stated above, and I've also had some poor experiences with it that ended up very painful and emotionally draining for me. I've sort of found something that works if I train beforehand and use just a smidge of anal numbing gel, but my husband often jokes about wanting to do anal when we're in the middle of P in V, which I'm sometimes up for. The problem is that when this happens, I'll say that I need to prep, and he'll say he doesn't want to wait that long because he'll lose arousal. He also doesn't like when I use the numbing gel (even if he can't feel it, and I've used it without his knowledge before, and he can't tell the difference) because he wants it to be "authentic" or something?

This feeds into the whole painal worry for me; if he just liked anal, maybe I'd be more keen on doing it more if his emphasis was more on giving his partner strong sensations for pleasure, but his porn videos all have titles like "One quick stab! SURPRISE! Sorry! Well, not really sorry..." and "For your pleasure only Her face tells the tale. She's doing this to please her man."

Listen, I know porn is fantasy. I'm even been known to indulge in some rough anal porn videos myself, so I probably shouldn't feel as weird as I do about this. It's just the line between "ooooh, anal is taboo and different" and "I want to make this woman hurt so bad because it makes me feel great." My husband is not a misogynist and is very progressive in his views, and I know that statistically, progressive people have more BDSM tastes because of whatever reason (there are studies, but I forgot where I found them). I just am really, really struggling with this conflict right now, and any suggestions/similar experiences would be appreciated.

TL;DR: My husband has an anal/painal fetish, but I struggle knowing that what brings him the most pleasure is masturbating to women being hurt.

EDIT: Well, there’s been a turn of events that still isn’t the “end,” but I want to give this post a conclusion. Thank you to everyone who showed concern for my wellbeing and safety. I promise that I’m in no danger, and that if my husband/anyone fully crosses/repeatedly edges a boundary, I won’t stand for it.

That said, I talked to my husband again about making light of my discomfort surrounding some porn/possibly risking my autonomy, and I want to make it clear that I know he isn’t misogynistic. When I brought up the porn issue again, he told me that he’s done some light research into the videos he knows he likes and revisits, and all of them were made ethically. He showed me his main videos (some of which I’ve actually seen and liked—rough anal but clearly a scene and/or the recipient is clearly not in pain), and several of them had interviews with the actors afterwards checking in with each other and laughing about how fun the experience was. My husband said he avoids any videos that actually seem “real,” and I believe him.

He’s extremely funny and honest, and he regularly makes me feel valued and fulfilled as a life partner. I read some of your comments to him that gave advice/possible things to discuss, and he said he’d be interested in some of the resources that specifically analyze kink with me so we could both understand ourselves better. I told him my cognitive dissonance is likely to still pop up at certain times, and he said “That’s normal and totally okay, and we can discuss is whenever it does.” I cried again because it felt like I finally got through and was able to feel a semblance of peace, and then a couple other things happened.

1. He asked if I’d like to dominate him. I admittedly was excited, and I basically just kissed him all over, did some light impact play, and ordered him to let me pleasure him. He was very appreciative of it, and we held each other for a time afterwards, just being close.

2. We had anal. NOT painal—anal where he asked me if I’d be interested in it if he prepped me, and he did it slowly and gently. He was very into it, and I was, too. Using a vibrator during penetration helps a ton with relaxing. He also went down on me beforehand (which he really, really, really likes doing—he’s very much a giver).

Apologies for the TMI, but I orgasmed three times, and he did twice (once from my mouth and once from my ass), and I’ve never felt closer to him, honestly. Sorry this post is and has been all over the place. Thank you for everything.