Submitted by ThrowRAFavoritism t3_107b3y2 in relationship_advice
My ex and I have always maintained good communication for the sake of our three kids (19, 16,15). She lives a far distance away, so the kids are with me during the school year and with her for many holidays. Despite her distance, she wanted to still be a part of the important decisions for them, and I have always tried to accommodate that. Currently we are coordinating the purchase of a vehicle for our youngest on his upcoming sixteenth birthday.
Today my wife said that after my youngest with my ex turns 16, she doesn't want me to talk to my ex anymore unless it's a "dire" emergency. I asked why, and she said it's time to begin removing her from our lives. My wife said she is afraid that if I keep contact with her for much longer it will have an adverse effect on our own kids (8, 6, 1), although I wasn't able to quite understand how. She said the kids are now old enough to keep in touch with their mom themselves, and if I continue to talk to her it's for myself instead of them.
I asked what it is specifically about my conversations with my ex she found objectionable, and I gave her my phone to look through my texts. She pointed out several texts where among discussing logistics for the kids, there are occasional more casual comments like one of us making a joke about our job or mentioning what became of an old friend. These comments are usually tangentially related to what we are discussing about the kids, and we always quickly get back on track. My wife says the conversations are like something between two friends, and my ex and I shouldn't be friends. She says she needs boundaries.
I asked if we could table the discussion so I could think. I have several concerns. I don't want to upset my kids. I don't want to ruin my good co-parenting relationship. However, I also don't want to upset my wife. I want her to feel comfortable and secure. What should I do?