Submitted by ThrowRAneedhelpls t3_10ei54q in relationship_advice
Throwaway account, in case my wife's family is on reddit.
Hello, Reddit.
I’ve (51/M) got a serious problem that I could use some outside perspective on. The TLDR version: my wife’s(51/F) nephew(42/M) is a registered sex offender and child predator and will get out of prison in a couple more years. Neither she nor anyone in her family (including mothers of small children) appear to be the least bit concerned and will welcome him home like nothing happened. I’m really not OK with this and I want him out of our lives for good.
This is a long story with a lot of twists and turns. It sounds too unbelievable but it’s all true. I’ll try to explain it as best I can. I’ll call my wife J. Her family consists of the following: 1 full brother I’ll call P, my wife’s half-brother, and my wife’s half-sister. Two more half siblings are dead. All share the same mother, but the fathers were different. I’ll refer to her nephew as SMF. Both of my wife’s parents are dead now. We’ve been married 13 years.
The first time I met SMF, I got a serious case of the creeps from him. Just being in the same room with him made my skin crawl although I couldn’t put a finger on the reason why at the time. He was at that time in his late 20's or early 30s, had a serious problem in holding a steady job, basically lived off the charity of the family, and didn’t appear to be very bright although he didn’t appear to be mentally challenged, maybe just slow. To my knowledge, he was never enrolled in special education like all mentally challenged kids are in our school district. I also know that he doesn’t draw any type of social security like a mentally challenged cousin of mine does.
As time went on and I learned more about him from the stories my wife would tell me, I learned that his mother, my wife’s half-sister, had given birth to him at around 15 or 16 and had abandoned him, leaving him with their mother (my wife’s mother) to raise. SMF's mother went on to marry and have two more children, both daughters, none of whom seem to want anything to do with SMF. Nothing was ever mentioned about who SMF’s father was. To sum it up, my wife’s mother raised him as one of her own children, even so far as to have his name listed on her tombstone as her “son”, not grandson.
I also was told that “his mother didn’t want him”, he was “relentlessly bullied as a child”, which led to him dropping out of high school halfway through his senior year. As my wife explained it, SMF was a sweet person who wouldn’t hurt a fly, he never had a chance at a decent life because everybody picked on him and his mother didn’t want him, everybody felt sorry for him, blah blah blah. It seemed like SMF was incapable of doing anything wrong and whenever he did, somebody would come to his rescue and make excuses for him. I didn’t understand why this family was babying a grown man who was fully capable of supporting himself. While he had a vehicle and a trailer, both were given to him by family members. People would even buy groceries for him. I later learned the land the trailer SMF lived in actually belonged to my wife, more on that later.
As time went on, I started to learn more about SMF. For instance, my wife mentioned whenever SMF would visit and use her computer, she’d spend days getting all the spyware off it because of him visiting porn sites. I found a community forum from my hometown where people were talking about him, saying he had a reputation for asking young girls inappropriate questions about their bodies. I brought this up to my wife and she said that the stories about him weren’t true, that everybody picked on him, blah blah blah.
Another thing I’ve learned about my wife and her family is that all of them think with their hearts, not with their heads. They make choices based on emotion, not common sense and logic and this has resulted in some downright horrifying situations. For instance, my wife’s dad, the half-siblings stepdad was a serious alcoholic that would beat their mother up, disappear for days at a time, steal, couldn’t keep a job (one time he burned a car for the insurance money), and was extremely manipulative. Eventually her mother left him, and they divorced. Some years later, he convinced her that he’d changed, and she married him again. Of course, he went right back to all the same behaviors as during their first marriage. Eventually, they divorced again and stayed divorced.
I started to notice that SMF seemed to resemble my wife’s father, but I thought maybe I was imagining things. Some years after my wife’s parents were dead, my wife’s half-brother was visiting, and the topic of my wife’s father came up. Her half-brother mentioned that his stepfather was hated by all her half siblings and as the discussion became more heated, her half-brother announced that my wife’s father, had raped his stepdaughter, my wife’s half-sister, who was SMF’s mother. Suddenly everything started to make more sense: The time frame, the reason why SMF’s mother dumped him on his grandmother to raise, the reason why SMF’s mother and SMF’s half-sisters wanted nothing to do with SMF, why everybody else felt sorry for SMF and babied him all his life, the reason why all the half-siblings hated their step-father, the reason why SMF’s mother didn’t have a relationship with her mother (her mother picked her daughter’s rapist over her) Why SMF seemed to resemble him, it all made sense.
Dumping SMF on her mother to raise was the only justice SMF's mother could get. They lived in an area that was so far out in the boonies that a police presence was non-existent. At that time, sex crimes were unheard of. The mother had no job skills or experience, and the stepfather was the only source of income, besides welfare. I truly believe that my wife’s mother wouldn’t have cooperated with an investigation anyway because as I mentioned earlier, she made decisions with her heart, not her head.
One thing to mention about my wife is when she’s confronted with an uncomfortable topic, she shuts down and won’t discuss it. I suspect her mother was the same way. She won’t speak. She just sits there with a blank expression on her face.
The first time I asked my wife about the rape, her answer was that her dad was so drunk that he thought his stepdaughter was actually her mother, his wife. If that was the case, it’s still rape.
The second time the topic came up, my wife insisted that it didn’t actually happen, that her half-siblings just claimed it did.
One day the phone rings and my wife learn that SMF has been arrested. We never went to any of the hearings or anything, but my wife’s bother did. According to my wife’s brother (and I highly suspect her brother either sugar-coated the hell out of the story or outright lied to make it not sound so bad), SMF had been carrying on an online relationship with what he thought was an 11-year-old girl. Supposedly, the girl's mother became suspicious and took over the conversaion, so SMF was actually talking to the girl’s mother. He exposed himself on webcam. We were told at one point the judge asked SMF what his problem was and SMF said “I aint got no problem” and the judge tore him a new one. The whole family (including my wife, who had 17 years’ experience working for a lawyer) came to his defense, urging SMF’s lawyer to explain that he was relentlessly bullied as a child which led to his dropping out of high school, his mother didn’t want him, all the sob stories to try to get sympathy.
First, SMF is 6ft 5 and over 300 pounds. I doubt very seriously that SMF was “bullied”. I think it’s far MORE likely that he creeped on girls in the school, asking them inappropriate questions and he was called out on it and to him, that’s “bullying”.
In the end, SMF was convicted of two counts of Taking indecent liberties with children and one count of Use of communications systems to facilitate certain offenses involving children. He was given the maximum sentence of 10 years in prison, supervised probation for life, and he’s now a registered sex offender. Links to the specific charges are below.
https://law.lis.virginia.gov/vacode/18.2-370/
https://law.lis.virginia.gov/vacode/18.2-374.3/
Now a little about myself. I was a prison guard in a supermax security facility for 2 years and I was exposed to just about every type of criminal there is. Almost every one of them had a few things in common: They’d done nothing wrong, and they didn’t deserve their punishment, 95% of the time the only thing that inmates learn in prison is how to not get caught next time and they make a game out of how many women they can manipulate into giving them money. Secondly, I have a special hatred for sex offenders, especially the ones that prey on children because as a child I was victimized by an adult I trusted. The abuse was known to others in the family. I witnessed it happen to others, but I was too young to really understand what was happening. I just knew it felt wrong. I never received any support, let alone justice.
So, as you can imagine an average resentment of SMF has grown into a full-blown hatred.
This has led to a few heated discussions between the wife and me. She told me that SMF had told her he needed money for “some special shoes”. I told her that was bull because everything they need is provided for them. He gets 3 meals a day, clothing, shelter, and medical care (including optometry and dental). If he really needs “special shoes”, they’d be issued to him. If he’s telling her otherwise, he’s lying to her and just trying to get her to send him money. I also told her that inmates make a game out of how many women they can manipulate into sending money and if he really needs money, he can get a job in the prison. She sent the money to him anyway. I came to find out she was sending SMF money on a regular basis and I insisted that she stop. I asked her why she was sending money and she said he needed it for phone calls, and it would be used to make his sentence a little easier, that he could use it to pay restitution, and that’s what her mother would have wanted her to do. This really upset me and I reminder her that I was victimized by somebody like him as a child and how can she see nothing wrong with financially supporting a child predator when her own husband had victimized by one? My wife stopped talking and shut down.
At this point I was already too emotional to stop expressing my point. I told her that SMF has a mother and two half-sisters that should be taking care of his needs, not his Aunt; that his restitution is his responsibility and nobody should be helping him pay it; that by providing for him, she’s sending him a message that in her eyes, there’s nothing wrong with what he did; that if she and I had a daughter and somebody with the exact same life story as SMF did to our child what SMF was convicted of, she’d not feel sorry for him and she’d want his head on a stake; and that it disgusts me that she’d even entertain the idea of providing him any sort of comfort after what he did. I reminded her that the judge gave him the maximum sentence that he could, and my wife said that the judge “wanted to make an example of him”. I said “Yeah, so?” I then explained that the judge sees people like him in court all the time and the reason he got the max sentence and lifetime probation is because the judge believes if he isn’t watched, he'll do it again. I also told her that it was likely that he had done things like this and worse in the past, but this was the only time he got caught. I asked her what if this little girl had been in the same neighborhood as him? What if he could have actually gotten to her? Is it so far fetched to think he would have eventually raped her?
My wife and I both have classified clearances with our jobs. I told her that not only was she putting her own clearance in jeopardy but she’s putting mine at risk too. I asked her how is it going to look when the investigator finds out she’s providing financial support to a felon, a sex offender, and a child predator? What does that say about her ability to make an intelligent decision? I then asked how is going to look if I’m asked if I knew about it? If I say I didn’t know, that means I don’t even know what’s going on in my own house and where our money is going. Either way, it looks bad.
Eventually my wife agreed to stop sending him money. I think she agreed to stop only to shut me up, not because she agrees that I have a point. She said she wanted me to stop talking bad about him and I told her I hadn’t exaggerated or said anything that wasn’t verifiably true and that I didn’t even want his name spoken around me. I also told her that he has the ability to still call her because he gets a few free calls a month and he can write letters because he’d done so in the past. Bottom line: if he really wants to talk to her, if she’s important to him, he’ll contact her. I also reminded her that he didn’t attend our wedding because he wanted to watch something on TV, so that should tell her something about how “important” she is to him.
Within just a few months of her cutting him off, the calls stopped, and he’s never written. She’s not given him any money since 2019. My wife’s niece told her that SMF recently sent my wife a message through a website called JPAY.COM, which is used to communicate with prisoners and send them money. This is the same site she used to send him money in the past, but she’s not read the message. I wouldn't think somebody with his kind of conviction would be allowed to use the internet, but nonetheless, he does.
My wife was unable to have children, and this is a sensitive topic for her. I think SMF uses that to manipulate her by trying to create a son/mother situation in her mind. According to my wife, she believes he’s manipulative but “he doesn’t mean to be, and he isn’t trying to manipulate anybody”. I told her it doesn’t matter if he means to or not. She’s told me in the past that she just can’t cut people out of her life, and I told her that SMF negatively affects her, me, and our marriage and when somebody causes more negativity than anything else, they need to be cut out of her life because the situation will never get better. She told me that I can’t tell her that she can’t have anything to do with him. I asked her why she would want to, knowing what he is. All she said is that she just couldn’t turn her back on him and cut him out. I told her that the best thing he can do is stay in prison for the rest of his life. I told her he could come out of prison as a brain surgeon, and he won’t find a job because nobody wants to hire a child predator. He’ll live the rest of his life off the pity and charity of the family like he always has and I absolutely can not accept her giving him any kind of support.
She then told me that when he gets out, she intends to visit him. At first, I told her I wouldn’t be in the same house with him, then I told her I’d never let her be alone with him. I told her that the person she knew when he went in isn’t the same one that’s coming out, that he’ll be a convicted felon, a registered sex offender and a documented child predator. I just don’t understand it. It’s almost as if she needs him or he has some sort of mental/emotional control over her.
My wife isn’t the only one. Her brother and his family are the same way towards him. They’ll welcome him back with open arms like nothing happened. Two girls have been born into the family since he went to prison, and another is on the way. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if they let him babysit. 2 of them will be in puberty by then and that’s the age that he likes them. I know that sounds absolutely insane, but I sincerely wouldn’t be surprised if he was left alone with them. “Oh, SMF loves kids, he won’t do anything.” It makes me nauseous.
One time I asked my wife how SMF has a trailer if he can’t keep a job and I was told that the trailer actually belongs to her brother and the land it sits on belongs to her. I don’t know whose name is on the title/deed for any of this. One day my wife told me she needed to talk to me about something and told me that SMF hadn’t paid the taxes on the land or trailer and now that he’s locked up, the property and trailer was at risk for being taken for back taxes. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with us paying taxes on property that SMF had been (and will again be) living on for free. I told her I didn’t want any connections to SMF at all, let alone financial/legal. My wife had said many times in the past that she had inherited the land and she had no use for it, so I mentioned why not sell it or just get rid of it? There’s no sense in paying taxes on property that you don’t want or have a use for. According to my wife, she ended up giving the property to her brother that owns the trailer, although I’ve never seen any documentation or evidence of any kind. No tax assessment, no tax bill, nothing. On a side note, I had also inherited some property and decided to gift it to my brother, and he had to go to a lawyer and get documentation drawn up for me to sign with a witness to legally give it to him. Perhaps the land wasn’t actually deeded to my wife, but she was expected to pay the tax bill. I truly have no idea.
SMF gets out in 2 years. After being in prison for 10 years, he going to want to do two things: get drunk and get off. He’s not going to care how either happens. Those 3 kids will have come into the family while he was gone so they’ll be strangers to him. He won’t see them as family. I truly believe they’re in serious danger and nobody is even thinking about the situation, let alone taking it seriously. The whole family is big into hunting and I’m sure they’ll take him when he gets out. I’ve actually thought about trying to get a picture of him holding a gun and giving it to his probation officer. I’m guessing part of his probation is he can’t be around children or have internet access. I’m sure my wife’s family will set him up with a laptop and a cell phone.
So, all this leads me to my dilemma. First, I want to protect kids from him. Second, I want my wife to understand why she needs to go and stay no contact with SMF once and for all. Finally, I want him out of our lives forever. Any advice?