Submitted by frailearth t3_10evqkr in relationship_advice
I shouldn’t have. I don’t really want anyone to get down on me for going to her. I fully understand that I crossed a boundary, and I will never do anything like that ever again. But my anxiety was extremely high; I almost felt desperate. I felt like I was being treated so poorly by him. Being berated, being made to say sorry for everything. I felt emotionally manipulated. I don’t know any of my boyfriend’s family, or any of his friends, so I couldn’t go to them to seek help. I felt like I needed to know if anyone else had ever experienced this sort of treatment. After I talked to her, I eventually ended up calling the domestic violence hotline because I was so shaken up by some of the ways he had been talking to me.
My boyfriend, when he found out I talked to his ex, began crying and yelling at me that I ruined him and re-traumatized him and that I was a horrible person. To be fair, his ex did say some mean things about him. But she also told me he cheated on her and made her feel horrible about herself. I was more concerned with the painful things she had been through than the mean comments she made. I understood him being upset but it felt so shocking to hear him tell me I ruined him. With time, we talked about it less.
However, for the last month, my boyfriend has brought up this situation several times, even after we discussed it extensively in therapy. He says that in order for him to have closure, I need to write her back and defend him and tell her that saying mean things about him is wrong. He says that it’s not fair that she gets to be happy and live with the satisfaction that she gets to know he’s having problems in his relationship. He’s even written out a long text of things he expects me to say to her. I feel really weird about this, and extremely uncomfortable. I honestly wanted to never talk to her again and just focus on being good to him. Should I be writing to her to defend him? I feel super pressured. Not sure how to approach this. Any kind advice would be appreciated.