Submitted by ThrowRA00p5 t3_10g78z5 in relationship_advice
Update here.
My girlfriend [35F] and I [38M] have been together for 7 months and knows I lean to the kinky side (I like a bit of physical pain and other light BDSM stuff, which she *very* occasionally indulges me in). Included in this is that she knows I get turned on by high heels. Our relationship and sex life are fine other then the problem I'm about to describe: I'd mentioned to her in passing a few times that I'd worn boots with heels before but somehow it didn't register and she didn't say or ask anything about it, so I figured, "meh, she just doesn't care, but that's not a surprise."
The topic came up again in conversation a few days ago, where I mentioned again that I used to wear heels after I tried them to understand why it's a turn on for me and she completely freaked out when it finally did register. I told her I'd actually purchased a few pairs about 8 years ago, and wearing them is not a sexual thing (whereas a partner wearing them in the bedroom is).
She was very shocked about something which I'd always considered pretty tame and accepted about myself as being a bit left field but completely harmless. We've discussed it and she apologized for her harsh response ("are you gay", "how do I know you won't want to transition to a woman", "my friends are going to judge me for choosing someone who is obviously gay" and things along those lines). To be honest, the response was not what I was expecting as she's normally very kind and understanding, pro individual rights, feminist and has many LGBTQ+ friends. To top this off, she came to me after we'd been together for a few months (before we had sex) and confessed that she thought she had an STD. In that conversation, I was extremely supportive and accepting of her and told her it did not matter, and I felt hurt that I didn't receive the same courtesy.
She also said that she felt like I misled and withheld information from her, and I should have spelled it out in more detail right at the beginning of our relationship. I apologized for this and said I should have considered that it could be a bigger thing for her than me. The response was that hiding this aspect of me is much worse than keeping an STD secret (which I disagree with, but anyway...).
My problem is that I think her perception of me has changed although she initially said it hadn't. Even just the thought of me wearing heels (even 2 inch block heels specifically made for men) is repulsive to her. This has hurt my self esteem as I've always thought I have the right figure (slim, athletic) and style to wear them, and I've drawn positive compliments when wearing them.
She wants nothing to do with it but did say maybe it's OK to wear them when she's not around and to make sure no one she knows sees me in them. But nothing more than masculine block heels, ever, even if she doesn't have to see it. She also said no man can ever look good in heels and I should stop being delusional.
I'm wondering if this is a deal breaker in our relationship. It feels like her perception of me has changed and my confidence has plummeted because my partner clearly hates some aspect of me. Even if I don't wear heels ever again, I don't think that's really going to change her view as she can't un-imagine that picture that popped into her head when I told her. The other problem is that I feel like I've been more understanding and accommodating in the relationship about her problems than she has been of mine.
Thoughts?
TLDR: told partner that I wore heels in the past and she freaked out, even though she accepted "worse" kinks about me.