Submitted by ThrowRAgrlfrnd t3_10o9kgi in relationship_advice
Me, 24F, and my boyfriend, 25M, were out last night drinking. He got more drunk than he had gotten in awhile and by the end of the night he was pestering me nonstop about bringing someone home with us. I was so confused because we had never discussed having threesomes and I couldn't tell what he was trying to do. We went back together to my apartment alone at the end of the night like we always do and just went to bed. This morning we went out for breakfast. I decided to bring the situation up again because 1. he was so drunk last night that I honestly don't know if he remembers doing this and 2. I'm still feeling really upset because it feels like he was trying to cheat on me while in my presence last night. The second I tell him what happened last night, he almost looked relieved and told me he's been meaning to discuss this with me. For some context, he and I have been dating for a little over three months now and we used to have sex a good amount but its dwindled down this last month or so. Five months ago, he was dating another girl 25F for about four months. He told me in this relationship they almost only had threesomes. The relationship started out just them two having sex and he made it sound like after the second or third time of them having sex, his girlfriend started bringing in other girls to the bedroom. She would find them on tinder, scope them out, find a day for them to all meet and do the deed. He said that he's gotten so used to having two girls at once that having sex with just one person has gotten boring for him. He told me he was just waiting till our relationship was at the place it could be opened up to others. I asked him how often he had these threesomes and he said every weekend!!!!! He also said his ex would turn down any advances when they were alone so they pretty much only had threesomes. I'm not super experienced in relationships but none of this sounds normal to me?? I also am not attracted to women like that so him just expecting us to have all these threesomes now makes me feel super uncomfortable. I could really use some advice. Everything has been going perfect with this guy and this just feels like a huge bomb and now I feel all over the place. Is this a big enough reason to break up with somebody over? Or am I just feeling insecure? He pretty much told me having sex with JUST me isn't doing it for him anymore..
I also feel like it's really weird what his ex was doing? So I kinda want advice on their relationship as well as my relationship with him now.
UPDATE: I did not want to see this man until I got my thoughts together so I purposely went over while he was away to grab some things I need for work and I asked his roommates about this situation. I know that's stupid but I just needed ANY information. They of course had two different opinions on the ex (they're both guy roommates): one guy thought it was so hot how she always wanted threesomes and she was always making out with girls, and apparently she was just "one of the guys". The other roommate said it was all pretty weird. She would regularly have girls over at THEIR apartment. She said she wanted more privacy because she had a roommate, so she chooses to go be in the presence of three other guys? Doesn't make sense. Apparently, she was also highly religious so I'm starting to think she was just closeted and used this plan to still sleep with women. I am definitely breaking up with my soon-to-be ex but I also want to talk about this with him first because I really don't see him finding many other girls like this and the closest thing he'd get is forming an open/poly relationship with someone but that would still involve having sex with just your one partner from time to time. From what I've heard about her in the past and what I collected today, this woman sounds like a lesbian not even bisexual. Apparently there was a lot of drama with the girls in the friend group not liking this ex because she would be really cold to him while being so warm to all his female friends and other women. She would tell him not to touch her one minute and be draped in the arms of a girl the next minute. He wants an exclusive relationship but just with a lot of threesomes as he phrased it. But I think his ex genuinely just wanted to sleep with women but used him as the middle man and a coverup. I genuinely do not know how to have a conversation like this but I appreciate everyone's help.
FINAL UPDATE YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
I went over tonight to talk. I told him that I had opened up to the idea of having threesomes. His jaw dropped and turned into a smile and he said he was very impressed by my attitude and openness. I agreed with him and said I love this new page of honesty we have in our relationship, and then I let him know I’m going to have my tinder settings set to men while I get comfortable with threesomes in general and then we can bring in a woman later. His smile quickly turned angry as he started calling me disgusting and asking me what I think of him. I ask him what the problem is and he said sleeping with a guy would be disgusting. Trying so hard to keep a slick smile off my face I asked him why and he said because I’m obviously straight wtf?! And I just looked at him and said yeah…. So am I…
He just stared at me for a second so I decided to add …but I don’t think your ex is. He started getting so defensive and yelling louder asking me wtf I’m talking about and all that. I was explaining what I found out today and what I think of it all. At this point his roommate was in the kitchen making a hotdog so he was in there for like three minutes max. In that three minutes though I finally tell my ex “it’s okay to admit your last relationship probably wasn’t normal, however it’s pretty common for people to date someone closeted” he screams at me that his ex wasn’t gay and to stop suggesting that. His roommate then mutters so casually while making his hotdog “oh yeah homegirl was gay, a lesbian for sure”. I’m trying so hard not to laugh at this point. My ex told him to stay tf out of this and he said “I can’t. You’re screaming at her loud enough for probably the neighbors to hear which isn’t cool and she’s a great woman so if you don’t want to be monogamous with her then there’s someone who definitely would want that just let it go” my ex then replies “what you want her?!?! Go ahead! She’ll just do the same thing and accuse you of being gay in a few months” at this point I couldn’t contain myself and I started laughing so hard. It genuinely felt like we were in a scene from the office at that point. While laughing and trying to figure out where this came from, I tried to say that no one was accusing him of being gay but my ex did not see the same humor I did and just told me to gtfo before I could finish my sentence. So I did :) I hope that counted as our breakup lol. I do not want to hear from him again. He is so immature and clearly has his own internal conflicts he needs to sort out himself. This day has been a rollercoaster. It went from the most sleepless, heartbreaking night and morning into a humorous story that will be nice to tell later. I’m glad I found out now and not later down the road because luckily I still feel detached enough to not be too worried about it. You have all been a great help and if there is an update, I will give it but I think that’s the end of this story.