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I actually just convinced her to go to a personal trainer 1x per week as I know exercise helps me to feel more energetic and she was struggling a bit with forcing herself to do it. She goes for a lot of walks with the baby but figured she needed to get out of the house and away from the kids.

I think a lot of it has to do with losing who she is. She used to be a full time working professional, was very serious about it and great at her job, and motherhood and covid kind of hit her all at once and I think she is resentful of losing all of that while I go out into the "real world" every day. But she has lots of friends with kids and they get together and grab lunch or go for walks or do play dates, so I think that part of it is getting better. But yeah I like the approach of trying to get her out away from the kids more often to hopefully create some perspective for her.

Edit: We have talked about PPD, and I think with the first kid she may have had a little bit but has been way better since, and much better with the second kid. She just seems a little bored with being stuck to a kid 24/7 and resents me getting to leave the house. Meanwhile I resent that Im not appreciated for working so hard. All in all we probably just need to communicate better.

You are a TEAM. Act like it.

It doesn’t matter whose day to day is harder. It’s COVID times. It’s all fucking hard.

Your wife is reaching out asking for validation, because unlike you, she doesn’t have performance evaluations, raise negotiations, or even colleagues to pat her on the butt and say “rough one out there today, huh”. She’s communicating- albeit poorly- with the adult who’s supposed to have her back.

So have it! You tell us all about the great respect you have for SAHP- tell her!

And tell her how hard your days are, too. Be honest. Send her memes about office work. There’s no shortage.

Appreciate that, thanks.

So part of it is to give you insight. Because she's coming at it from you just don't know. Which is fair, you don't, but it's hard to have a productive conversation if it's you saying "it can't be that hard stop sending me stuff saying that" and her saying "it is hard stop telling me it isn't and that I need to be feeling lucky and grateful!" You're both kinda stuck on your side, but by doing this you can walk her side and at least come at it from "hey I know what you're doing, I lived it! Can we now come together and figure out how to handle what we're both feeling together?"

Plus besides this hopefully giving her the feeling of you trying to see her side and get what she's feeling and saying - it also gets her out and gives her a break. Gets her from being stuck in mom mode. Hopefully gives her back a little of herself (especially since you said she's not taking time for herself even with all her help). And also hopefully refreshes her so she can come back to the table with some fresh eyes.

So I was thinking of it as a dual purpose. It gives you insight into what she's actually going through, it gives her a break, hopefully it lets you both reset from your trenches, and then both be able to work together.

I’m very confused because this is like a dream. Maybe she’s suffering from PPD? Because I’m confused about what she does if she has all this help and you do what seems like more than half the home duties on top of working full time out of the house. Maybe she feels she’s lost who she is and can only identify as a mom. Do you two still do date nights? Maybe send her out if the house on a regular basis for something she enjoys like a workout class, the gym, or a mani pedi. She has the support to still be herself, she just had to actually let go and do it.

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Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

• We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

• Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

• ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

• No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

• All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

• What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

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Thanks, this is a very helpful message!

Sorry, just to clarify, when I travel for work I do 12-hour days, but when I am not traveling I leave the house at 7:30 am after I make breakfast and help to get the kids ready and am home by 5 pm to make dinner and help with the bedtime routine.

But your point is still taken. I think that is why I have been so stoic on the situation, because I do have a lot of respect and empathy for what she does as a SAHM. Its really hard work and she does a great job at it (our kids are always nailing milestones and maturing really well). And she sends me tons of links and narratives about how hard being a SAHM is, so I feel like I get a solid dose of that reality. But I guess my concern has been that no matter how hard I work to make it "right" I don't ever feel like the tide is shifting and I'm just not feeling the appreciation or respect. I think some of the other comments have hardened this for me, but I probably just have a communication issue on my hands.

I appreciate your advice and I think that is a fair thing to try. Im sure it would give me more appreciation for what she does when I am at work, and the monotony of a full week of it vs just the weekends like I do now. That said I am not sure it will cure my growing resentment. Like what is the inverse of that where she feels what it is like to deal with the insane pressure and stress of being an executive at a company, getting up at the crack of dawn to do chores and cook breakfast, then race off to work and grind in meetings for 8 striaght hours, to race home and make dinner and put kids to bed. Im mentally and emotionally exhausted and yet I feel like I am always hearing her side of the challenges of our life. But me just complaining more doesn't make things better. Anyways, sorry for the long-winded repsonse.

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God I hope so lol how do you know?

There is a lot to process in this. I appreciate the note and the candor. There is a lot good with our marriage, she is my best friend, we enjoy each other's company, we have affection, but your sentence of "You will begin to deeply resent her lack of understanding or reciprocation" kind of hit the nail on the head of my concern. I am hopeful I can turn the ship but you gave me some important perspective. Thanks.

You're both too focused on competing with each other about who does the most and who has it the hardest to remember that you're both in this together. You both have it fucking hard, and that shared hardship isn't supposed to divide you; it's supposed to unite you.

When your wife sends you Instagram reels of mothers who hard it hard, she is most likely not tryingb to target you but simply to tell you how she feels. Is that a good, constructive way of communicating? No! But it's also not necessarily an attack on you, and if your wife communicates through Instagram reels, she might even find it funny and empathetic if you were to share a similar reel of a father struggling.

You obviously both have a lot of feelings at the moment, and you need to sit down and talk about them before either of you let your growing resentment get the better of you. When you do, don't focus so much on all the things you feel like you are each doing wrong. Instead, focus on what you need more of or what you need done differently.

Take a week off work. Tell your wife to go visit family or something. Watch the kids like she does. Maybe at the end of the week you'll have a lot more insight into what she goes through. Maybe at the end of the week you'll really have some stuff to point out how you're doing a fairer division of labor.

I honestly say EVERY partner of a SAHP needs to do this frequently. Most adults know what it's like to work every day, not all of them know what it is to be a SAHP. It's a lot easier to have a productive conversation when you literally know what the other side is like. Instead of saying "You're lucky to not work 9-5!!!" completely ignoring you said you work 12 hour days so that's a 9-9 job she's doing at home and a 24 hour one when you travel.

You're working 12 hour days when you're not traveling. Yes she has help, but it sounds like a lot of the time she's on her own. A nanny 3x a week helps, as does preschool, and parents, but if you're traveling for the entire week that's still A LOT of childcare on her own. A lot.

Not to say that you're not doing anything, but damn being a mom is hard no matter how lucky you are. And it seems like you're just not acknowledging at all that it is hard even with help.

Stigma is the least concern? There are major health issues that are the result of incest.

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Try harder

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This a troll.