I don’t understand this. I feel like important context is missing

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STOP talking about your issues with people.

IT doesnt make it ok because you told her that you spoke to all these people. Trying to use that as a justification is ridiculous. You want a compromise, stop talking to everyone she knows about your issues.

Get a counselor if you want to talk about her.

It's so impossible for me to believe that you can not see an issue here. Almost narcissistic.

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Try to unpack this. If she still shares custody with this ex then it's in the best interest of that agreement for her to include him in the kids' activities. Isolating him from the kids would give him cause to challenge her for sole custody. If the guy makes threats then it's time to call the police. It is a breach of trust to gossip to mutual friends about your situation. This is why both of you - and probably the kids too - should be in ongoing family/marriage counseling. It's normal to need someone to talk to but since it's egregious to burden friends with this stuff (and humiliate your spouse in this way) it's essential to have a professional involved. Everyone in this scenario needs therapy. You can't control what this ex does and doesn't do, but you can control your own environment by making use of the standard mechanisms for managing past relationship baggage and ongoing difficulties. It's just never okay to air someone else's dirty laundry to their friends. Save your marriage by finding the appropriate venue for discussing your grievances.

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When you have "sought advice" from other people, was it about the issue ("I am upset about X") or was it about fighting with your wife about the issue ("I am upset that Wife disagrees with me about X or won't do what I want her to do about X")? What kind of advice did you receive? Was it helpful? Was it more helpful than talking to your wife about your feelings?

I swear I’m gonna finish reading it, but just the title alone I do not understand why people are trying to protect a person that is harmed them. Protecting an extra cheats usually gets turned back on you in someway because they’re not going to fess up.

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Yep. It's a bitter and lazy baby mama, if you ask me. 🤣

"Not everyone else can do these things. Do you want a cookie?" Pfffffffftttt. The point is, she doesn't have to do HALF of these things already and is bitching that she's overworked. By what measure?! She literally has staff and family helping her parent nearly full-time and her husband is doing more than his fair share.

Y'all are some lazy asses, I tell you that.

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Depends on where he kissed her.

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I don't think that's what the conversation will be about--assuming if we stay together. More like finances and preparation rather than custody and child support. If we break up, sure, but for now I just want to tell him and see where his head is at. He's a lot more skilled at this adulting thing than I am, given that he's graduated years ago and has a good paying job, so hopefully his reaction will be a lot more better compared to a college student (me, last year)

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I'm confused. .

>I’ve noticed that if I [f30] say anything negative about myself to my long term partner [m30] when I’m in a rough place, he actually goes in his head like “oh she’s right, she IS blah blah”.

So why are you lying to him about your insecurities? Why are you trying to get him to say "no no, you're not.."?

> If I say something about myself, he won’t say “oh that’s not true”,

Why would he belittle your feelings or reject them? And why would you want that?

>. This makes me feel that I can’t share worries or vulnerabilities with him.

How are you phrasing your worries or vulnerabilities?

>This does trigger my abandonment issues, and I don’t know what to do

You have issues. Seek therapy.

> I’m being ignored

How is he ignoring you? What triggered him to start ignoring you?

>And it’s triggering me.

And what happens when you're "triggered"?

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That’s a good question. I’ve struggled with this sort of thing too personally by the way but I’ve gotten better about it.

When I’m feeling very bad, I feel like a mess. Like I don’t know where to even start untangling what’s going on in my head and my heart. And it feels terrible and I need help. This is the hardest part. But at least for me, this is the part where I have to clean myself up a little. Cleaning myself up a little means asking what’s really wrong, doing some basic self care (making sure I’ve eaten, slept, gotten sunlight, hydrated, showered, etc…).

Once I’ve done the basic stuff, then I ask my partner for help.

The last time this happened went a little like this, actually. I ended up telling him basically “I feel awful and I need help”. That’s being clean about it. I’m telling him what I need from him and he knows what to expect.

Being messy about it is saying for example, “I’m X and Y and I’m sorry I’m like that.” But being cleaner about it is if you can say “I’m feeling like im X and Y right now”

As an example it may feel like a really small distinction, but it makes it more clear what you’re looking for from him, and if this is coming from the idea that he believes things you say at face value, it would make a night and day difference

As far as untangling the situation where it looks like he believes the bad things you’ve said about yourself in the past, you might want to have a conversation with him where you basically say “hey I sometimes struggle with insecurities. I often phrase it as just saying bad things about myself, but I know they’re not really true or they’re exaggerated. I’ll try to do better about being clear when I’m looking for support, but it would mean the world to me if you met me in the middle and helped give me some encouragement and a reality check if I’m feeling bad about myself”

I hope my essay was understandable

Thats what I am thinking about. If to bring it up or not, dont want to look controling or crazy jealous.

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Other than "sometimes she wants to cook" what exactly does she accomplish around the home other than breastfeeding? You have every right to resent the situation. You're going out and working then coming home and working, even working before work in the mornings while she has a nanny and all day to do nothing.

Sounds like she wants to see how things go with him, while keeping you around as security and comfort. If things go well between them, don’t be shocked to be eventually shut out. Dont be someone’s back up plan. You deserve to be the focus of your partner, not a side piece.

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