No shared custody thank God, he only has visitation. She still wants him involved though, because her dad wasn't and she remembers how that made her feel. I was all for it before the kids came home reciting that I was "dead" and that he was going to "beat my butt."

What you've said makes sense. Clearly I am going to need to make some sort of adjustment here, because the marriage is worth saving. I like your suggestion. I'm in counseling, as is she, but a marriage counselor/family counselor seems to be a must here. Thanks for this.

She's been my best friend for 4 years. I guess I trust people too much idk

Ultimately you know how much you're willing to tolerate. Saying that this sounds like the classic "When its good its great and when its bad its terrible". That only lasts for so long and honestly to me in my opinion neither of you seem to be in a place to have healthy relationships. Overstretching and then breaking your boundaries is what lead to you being in the place you were in your prior relationship in the first place. Also there are definitely things to talk about with friends and loved ones and I'm not sure you know where that line is. I wouldn't be comfortable knowing my partner was airing all our fights out to other people. Will couples therapy make her more reliable in going? If she isn't actually willing to get help say another 6 months of half hearted therapy attempts or moves a set number of appointments then you might need to move on.

Edit: to be clear im not blaming you for the abuse you went through.

You’ve given me some harsh but needed advice there. Thank you, I needed to hear that.

She's 36....not 60.

She isn't aging excessively different than you are.

Also, it's pretty normal now for woman to have child into their 40s because of careers and financial stability etc.

Perhaps, it's best you let her go. Regardless of how much you've been through as a family they shouldn't have this much control over your life. Maybe it's best you let her go so she can find someone emotional mature and has a back bone.

What do you mean by upsides and downsides?

Maybe ask her what are the upsides and downsides of this. Also maybe show her this thread, so it isn’t just you who is thinking this.

How long has your SO been sexting? Have they put a lot of time/effort into hiding their activity from you? That would suggest they knew you would not be okay with it. Now that you’ve found out, have they invited you to sit in so that you can see how totally-not-cheating it is for them? I’m guessing that’s a “no.”

Some people feel that sexting doesn’t count as “real” sex, and that as long as they’re discreet and they never plan to meet the other person then there’s no harm done. Others strongly disagree. If you two haven’t previously discussed your opinions about things like sexting with an actual human on the other end, sexting with an AI, consuming pre-recorded porn etc, and you’re just now finding out that you’re not on the same page, you’re overdue to clear the air.

Hes referring to the fun little mispelling in your title lol

I mean why would you date a person you poured your heart out to that then went and had sex with someone else. And then chose to be either you after she had some fun. Have some self respect and dump her.

And yeah he just randomly stopped inviting me. We tried to plan doing something special 1 day out of the week but we never followed up with that

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He gets off work around like 5 and then either goes skating or like picture taking. He’ll still text me but made it clear that 9 is the earliest he can do. I’ve offered to join him in skating and he agreed but that’s never happened and I fear of pestering him to take me

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Just hang in there and be nice and understanding, all you did was fall asleep because of the wine. Doubtful she will break up over it. Next time be there for her to talk to. (And avoid referencing that time in her life)

Unfortunately being a bf (or husband) can also mean also being a part-time therapist.

We tried. I offered to join him in skateboarding to which he agreed cuz he goes often and before 9pm but we’ve never followed up on that and I don’t want to pester him any further about taking me

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Especially if both have a history of cheating.

If it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it's not a chicken, nu?

If she likes him back the same way, she'll say "Hooray! Guess what, I feel the same way about you! Let's date!"

If she doesn't like him back the same way, she'll think "Ew, awkward. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I'd still like to be friends with him, but I don't want to lead him on either." And she'll likely say something like she's not interested in dating right now, or she likes your friendship just the way it is.

If she didn't say much of anything, it's safe to assume she doesn't feel the same way but she hasn't figured out a way to let you down gently.

I've never once appreciated or thought it was flattering.

It always felt like, huh dude was nice because he wanted in my pants. It made me feel like our friendship was fake, especially if they lead with "I've felt like this for a long time" or similar. Our friendships did not survive.

Is she in a relationship or did she start seeing someone? What prompted you to tell her?

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I backed off on her ex attending events with the kids, and I've relaxed a lot in how I handle the kids. I've got a tendency to have very high expectations and have had to take a step back and realize that it takes time to establish habits and routines, that sometimes they will slide back into old habits, and that they're just kids.

I have only recently learned about setting boundaries so I'm still learning, but I do feel like I've overstretched my own boundaries. She's not healed from her past relationship, and from my own therapy + issues with my own ex, neither am I. She is also in therapy but it's only lately where she's made any sort of breakthrough, and she still has a tendency to cancel/move appointments because something "more important" comes up (usually work).

The children's behavior isn't actually that bad, but they will get disrespectful at times. When she's level-headed, she backs me up. But if something is off, it feels like they're allowed to treat me, the house, or each other like they want to.

What's his reasoning for no contact before 9pm? Was it just randomly he stopped inviting you to things or did something initiate it? Do you ever plan dates?

I’ve offered to join him in skateboarding and we agreed to that as well as to plan something different for at least 1day out of the week but neither of those things happen. I’ve tried initiating sexual intimacy but it doesn’t last long and he doesn’t reciprocate it the next time we hang out or the days following

Hanging out with the opposite sex one on one? Not a problem. Hanging out with someone you had sex with one on one? Problem.

This is not appropriate.