You wanna marry a guy who talks shit about you behind your back and compares you to his friend's girlfriends?

I’m glad you’re getting help. You aren’t ready for a relationship. Relationships, healthy ones, develop over time and it takes far more than a month. Work on yourself first, then date.

Thank you, this is great perspective.

She has said she is, as I have recommended couples counseling. I don't even really know where to start though with our schedules and adding yet another thing to our week. Now with more remote services like better help I should look into it again. She is also not a very emotional person and doesn't open up a lot, so it may be a slow start but she has said she would do it if I want it. good advice, thank you.

It is my pleasure to be helpful but please remember it's all just my opinion and I'm just a random guy on the internet. You have to go with your gut on things and make your judgements as best as you can in the end regardless of what anyone else says.

It's easier to bail out of a relationship before marriage than it is after, so always be cautious and take care of yourself first by listening to your gut. The universe is always trying to guide you as long as you are willing to listen. Good luck with everything and take care of yourself.

Definitely not another 5 years lol I’ve felt this end coming for a while now just didn’t want to accept it I guess which I take blame for being selectively stupid and blind to so many warnings . At least I learned a lot of lessons on what not to do next time around !

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Your cousin doesn’t know his place. Your bf should be sharing these issues with you, not air out your business behind your back. If your bf is comfortable sharing private stuff with another person, he doesn’t seem that trustworthy. It sounds disrespectful, to be honest.

Thank you for the perspective. I think we both feel very fortunate and have stated that to each other. But then when we look inward to our little personal bubble we do way too much self pitty vs what the other's role is. Yeah we do go on dates about once a month without kids, and we go out to a nice dinner with kids about 2x a month. We have not gone on a nice vacation without kids in years though.

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Your absolutely right ! I’ve been overlooking the big things in hope of small adjustments and that just doesn’t make sense . Working on a plan to move forward now ! Hoping everything goes good

The whole “everyone does it in the heat of the moment” excuse may be fine in theory, but the fact is that he didn’t apologize after even seeing how it affected her. He clearly doesn’t care

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>I don't know if I can live a life of only being worth a buck or two to my partner either.

I hope you don't think he has to buy you. If you're going to be married, the two of you need to start thinking about where your pooled resources will do the most good.

Thanks for your insight. I appreciate it.

>We met up in person and spoke and it seemed optimistic. He said he's worried this would be a 'band aid' for a bigger issue.

And

>He said he was worried we were doing this at a bad point in our relationship, I said that I thought we were in a bad point in the relationship because of this.

I agree with your statement.

You're burnt out and feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel for the relationship.

You need to feel like the relationship is going somewhere and is thriving. Having a relationship feel stuck... is challenging to navigate.

Are you throwing away a good thing? Possibly. But you're not getting what you need out of your relationship and that is critical. It's dying on your end.

I understand that LDRs can be unavoidable, sometimes you transition into one. But I will never understand how people willingly sign up for one as a starting condition. They are so hard to balance and find fulfillment in.

I completely agree with your position though. Something needs to change. You need to have each-other in your everyday life. And if 4 years doesn't seem like its been enough time to move in... when will that bridge be crossed?

Really... at minimum, the two of you should be living in the same city by now, regardless if its a shared living space or not.

He is the problem and the only way to go is out.

Honestly if it were me I’d get a good punch in hurting their feelings then leave the online group chat. Block them.

You’re very welcome! I know it’s not easy. Give yourself room to feel, wether it’s to grieve the relationship, communicate further for closure or to find a common ground. You will figure it out with time!

I have been "your husband" and frankly it took my wife saying she wanted a divorce to get me to change. It should have never gotten that far, but it sounds close to where you are also. As long as she enabled me, I wouldn't have changed. It was only when I realized I had lost her that I understood just how far detached I had become.

You should never stay in a relationship hoping they will change. That part is definitely on you, but the attention you're asking isn't too much. A partner needs to be present for you. Its not a big ask.

Here's the thing about true change and game addiction, though:

1. He has to actually ... not want a divorce. If you threaten it, then you have to mean it and go through with it.
2. It's a lot of hard work! Like I cant fng understate this. I was seeing 2 therapists and a marriage councelor and my wife was definitely in the "youre just going to go back to how you were as soon as i say I'll stay" camp so she did not want to recommit to me or our marriage due to that lack of trust.

Its hard work for both of you and I probably thought two dozen times over 2 years "why am i doing this? It would be easier to divorce." It would have been.

Don't let anyone tell you "people can't change" but do understand they really, really need to want it and they really need to work hard at it. If your husband just goes through the motions to appease you, but nothing changes then he's not willing to put in the effort to save your failing marriage.

That's how I feel from experience about your situation.

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“Moving somewhere more serious” and “not there yet” equals Nothing. Sorry op. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. You’re not officially a couple. You hook up sometimes. That’s all. There is no loyalty expected. Yes, you say you are exclusively having sex, that’s smart, but in no way is that the same thing as your Friend owning you txting monogamy. Maybe your friend even wants to explore the old partner for a romantic relationship or for sex. At that point, you can expect your friend to come talk to you and break it off or get more exclusive. Right now you have zero to get upset over as that level or commitment and monogamy was never established.

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I dated in a similar situation for 5 years. I was ready for marriage and a family, he wasn’t. We broke up. The next year I moved in with my new boyfriend and we agreed on a one year trial. After the year we would marry or split up. Happily married with 2 kids. If you are in different places you can’t force him to be ready. My husband is older and was ready for a commitment when I was. Move on.