Recent comments in /f/relationship_advice

DruHathaway OP t1_jaemlbk wrote

Reply to comment by MrsJonesy2012 in I'm (26f) failing poly, please help!! gf (25f), partner (19f) by DruHathaway

Yeah we talked about that. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. I did do some research though, and I was talking to her about boundaries and things we could be ok with together

And while it seems we can talk things out if my Friend ever comes up it feels like we just lose all progress working on it

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Winter-Travel5749 t1_jaemi95 wrote

Reply to My (19M) Girlfriend (21F) is financially irresponsible and it's making me question our relationship by EcstaticTax6811

Has this always been LD or have you met in person? People who are financially irresponsible ask out those who are financially responsible in order to maintain their lifestyle. She found you. It’s easy not to care when someone else is paying the bills. You are at very different levels of maturity and marrying her without a solid agreement about finances moving forward would be a huge mistake..also sounds like if you marry her that her mom may begin being dependent on you as well. Be careful. 🚩🚩🚩

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Up-Town t1_jaemfpa wrote

Reply to Leaving my abusive fiancée(30F) as a man(30M) by [deleted]

BigMan, your fiancée's abusive behaviors cannot be excused -- but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. They may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no chance to learn in childhood). My exW has that problem. If it is an issue for your fiancée, you likely would be seeing 4 other red flags.

The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women -- or tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing them over her. Moreover, she usually would hate being alone by herself.

Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me") and will recategorize them -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.

Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is "all bad." She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes/mistakes on you and view herself as "The Victim."

Further, to "validate" her victim status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you ALWAYS..." and "you NEVER...."

Third, you generally would not see her directing her anger at casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be directed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, a sibling, or her parents).

Fourth, you are convinced that she truly loves you. But you frequently see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) -- often making you feel like you're walking on eggshells around her. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. A few hours or days later, she can flip back just as quickly.

BigMan, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?

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AutoModerator t1_jaemf57 wrote

Reply to My boyfriend’s mom only speaks Spanish when I’m around when she can speak English. (I’m 25 f he’s 32 m. Been together almost 3 years) by Idkman4182

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AutoModerator t1_jaem6k1 wrote

Reply to bpd [f 25] x commitment issues [m 28] by pissybaka69

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  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

  • ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

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  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

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AutoModerator t1_jaem57i wrote

Reply to My (24F) parents (65F, 75M) treat me like a child. by [deleted]

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

  • ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

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I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

MrsJonesy2012 t1_jaem13y wrote

Reply to I'm (26f) failing poly, please help!! gf (25f), partner (19f) by DruHathaway

Because you got in one relationship, discussed possibly being poly then a week later (or few days) got a 2nd girlfriend.

Have you done any reading or research? Do you know how to be a good hinge? Have you shown your girlfriend research and articles that may help her.

You didn't let your original technically speaking Primary relationship build a solid foundation. You just jumped straight in.

Your friend will always be a trigger for her now.

4

Ohmigoshness t1_jaelyrr wrote

Reply to My boyfriend (23M) is done with his partying stage but I (20F) am just beginning by area51sfailedproject

I went through this with my partner, I loved going out I was 21 when I met him so I was clubbing and just out all time. I would invite him but since he was older he was also done with the party part of his life. It didn't give us any problems and we were fine eventually a couple years later I didn't like going out all the time.

3