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Don’t date potential. Who he is is clearly not who you want.

No worries- I probably came across this way to one of my friends so I understand that it’s well meaning. My only concern was my message not fully coming across like I wanted to. I know I can cut him out. I’ve created a beautiful life without him and I’m used to him not being part of it. I think I just really needed confirmation that my suspicions are valid/that it is shady and that there could be somebody else and I appreciate what you are saying. Thank you 💗

Maybe it is strong, but I’ve both been in this position and have had plenty of friends in this position. Whatever is going on with him, it’s beyond shady and not something you should be inviting into your life. You stand to lose absolutely nothin by completely cutting him out of your life. I hope you’re able to do it. If I come across as super critical, I apologize. I just have seen this okay out many many times before and it always ends poorly. The biggest mistake everyone makes is not cutting out the cancer before it metastasizes. If he is with someone else, you have no idea what their mental state is or how you could be putting yourself at risk. Hopefully that would never ever be the case.

My 2 cents is to leave. He isn't willing to change. If he even made some effort it might be different, but he's stuck and not willing to get unstuck.

You’re right

I don’t think I ever conveyed I’d be losing family and friends, I only said that because I don’t have anyone to talk to about it not that anything is at stake. I’ve had friends that have left me for their narcissistic boyfriends so I’m committed to not letting that happen in my own life. I think drastically unwilling is a really strong word. Like I said, it’s one of life’s lessons for me lately and I’m only going to grow from it by letting it all go now.

I absolutely agree. It’s not so much that I’m thinking I should continue on with him or that he has changed or that he’s the one for me. I’m more fixated on the idea that he may have another woman there and I’ve been part of that nonsense now.

Why are you so weak for him? What do you stand to lose by cutting him out of your life entirely? You’ll feel bad at first, sure. Everyone does. But you two clearly aren’t getting back together. He’s hiding things from you, which is still toxic and definitely not growth. You know this is someone your friends and family don’t approve of, so why even go down that path again? Do not let yourself alienate family and lose friends over a guy you are “weak” for but clearly isn’t as “weak” for you. He’s an ex for a reason. Move forward. You seem both self aware and yet drastically unwilling to let yourself feel uncomfortable and cut ties.

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Please move out on your own. This guy may or may not get his act together before you lose interest all together, but you don’t want to hitch your mental and physical wellbeing to his wagon right now!

When someone says directly that they’re unwilling to make any sacrifices for the sake of their future… can there be a clearer sign that this isn’t someone you should be planning a future with?

That makes sense.

It hurts, but it makes sense.

I've got a lot of thinking to do.

Thank you for your honesty.

He sounds like a typical underachiever. I doubt he will improve.

Idk how y'all share and expenses, but you could potentially go 50/50 on everything. That tough love might do it. Or promise him some exotic sex act to get a better job.

No. This is the him package. It hasn’t changed in years and it won’t.

It was a day one red flag. Learn from it for your next relationship.

You are wasting your years with someone not motivated.

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While I don't think this is wrong I can tell you what will almost certainly happen. He will agree to it to keep you, hide it from you, you'll find out he is still doing it and feel betrayed and be hurt worse. Basically no one actually quits porn for a partner.

Keep putting your hand on that same hot stove. Maybe someday it won't burn you.

I’d also like to point out that he might appear to have grown, but he’s likely just able to maintain that facade because you’re too far to prove otherwise.

You’re a trained mental health professional and have been extremely close to him for almost a decade. If you think he is a narcissist, you’re probably right!

And if you are a MH clinician, you know what narcissistic abuse looks like, and it seems you’ve gone through it. The constantly cycle of them messing up and promising to be better, and usually they seem better too! But it always goes back to the toxicity.

I know it’s hard but you have to recognize that you’re putting yourself back into that cycle for him. You went no contact for a reason. Try to be really objective and consider if one of your friends was in your position. What would you tell her?

You also mentioned a lot of red flags, like him being unemployed. You also seem to have described love bombing on his end! Y’all aren’t serious at all but he’s making promises and saying he wants you to be his wife and all that stuff. And your family really hates him so you’re hiding this from them. Those are trademarks of being a narcissistic abuse victim.

This is messy but you can totally remove yourself from it and I think you should

Thank you for your answer.

I'm going to tell him exactly how I'm feeling: That his watching and beating off to porn makes me feel awful and unloved. And that if he wants to spend forever with me, he's going to have to choose between me and the porn.

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The issue I imagine he has is that he suspects you can be hiding more. You have never confessed your cheating, so it is understandable.

There isn't a clear way forward, you can't prove absence of cheating by definition. He might decide to stay or not. If he does, he might never fully trust you again and want quite a few things from you that will be rather controlling.

You don't.

You should've told him right away so he could process it. I'd be completely okay if he lost trust.