First rule out anything medical like undiagnosed PPD, she sounds apathetic towards life which is a huge flag for depression. Honestly you may have to stage a bit of an intervention if she’s refusing therapy already.

If it’s nothing medical then honestly I usually never suggest going nuclear but I’d demand marriage counseling or splitting up. Something is very broken here.

>has a history of being very vindictive and malicious when angry and also very jealous.

So a lot of this does seem in line with the reality of what you know about her, right? She wants sex, you are tired or turn it down, she spirals and goes and talks shit about you to her exes. Clearly she has a lot of problems regulating her emotions, particularly when upset, and it results in her being toxic and abusive.

And... yeah. You seem to know this. So I think you are more or less being forced to face the reality that as she is she just isn't ready or capable of a healthy relationship. You probably already knew it, it just took her attacking you in a way that hit your pride deeper to finally have that sense slapped into you.

I think it is pretty clear this can't continue. Don't take what she says literally, likely it was all informed by her erratic emotional state. But don't dismiss it just because of that either.

And you're still with her? Do you hate yourself?

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Yikes... that's a dead relationship. Something happened.

Sit her down and find out

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She’s checked out of your marriage would check her phone and phone records, almost evey cheating post mentions excessive use and secrecy with their phone

Unless you referring to her as your "GF" was a typo you're a true masochist if you try to stay with this person. This woman is evil and cruel. Save yourself and get far, far away from her.

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When feeling attacked, some people will just retreat. Likely he just doesn't know what the relationship is at this point and perhaps doesn't know how to respond.

Dump her.

Never date someone who humiliates you to other people.

her ex boyfriend mate, whom she had been talking to for god knows how long

But if your intentions are clean… wouldnt it be easy to say it otherwise?

And she mean ex girlfriend surely?

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Sounds like he has doubts. The relationship failed for a reason, he might be struggling with whatever it was. The two of you need to have a serious and honest conversation to both clear the air and see if it's worth another shot. I'm not surprised he hasn't responded, though. Accusations like that will only serve to push him away more.

You may actually be right now that you mention it. I'll check on Monday if not, I might have found someone.

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A lot of colleges provide this service.

This does not seem like the winning strategy. Based on her overall avoidant behavior, it is most likely that she would avoid this question too. My first impression is that she is deeply depressed. I would probably be really intentional about setting up a conversation. Are there places or times of day that she seems a little better than others? I’d let her know you want to have a serious conversation and plan it for that environment. Get your child a sitter. Don’t try to flirt because she apparently is not interested in that right now. I’d ask her, are you happy with our relationship right now. Encourage her to be honest. If she isn’t open about what’s bothering her, I’d tell her straight up that you’re not happy and you want her help to figure out what to do. Tell her what you want - the ability to converse with each other, to be romantic together, and to demonstrate to your son what a healthy relationship should look like. Be frank and tell her that the way she has been acting has been really hard on you, but also be kind and tell her you want to support her, hear how she is feeling, and come up with ideas together. If you have to, tell her you are concerned that she may be depressed and ask her if that is something she resonates with. I wouldn’t bring up separation at this point. Depression creates cognitive distortions and they may lead her to say things she would otherwise regret, so don’t set the conversation up for failure like that.