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Being on the phone texting people doesn’t mean she may not be depressed. If the switch was drastic and happened right after the birth of your son, I doubt it’s cheating. Women don’t exactly feel like sex bombs right after giving birth.

It would be perfectly understandable if you are at your end with it.

He doesn’t actually sound interested in changing. Being the permanent helpless victim may be his goal. It appeases him of responsibility.

He’s coping by giving up. It’s self destruction and you are on the ship with him.

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I’ll be honest. She sounds depressed. She may be suffering from undiagnosed post-partum depression. Especially if the problems started right after your son was born.

It’s going to be a tough conversation, but something you may need to discuss with her. Don’t let her walk away.

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Something similar happened to an old friend of mine, after having a kid something changed with the wife and she became "Mom" and stopped doing anything relationship wise. Unfortunately it led to their divorce.

Edit: Maybe suggest that she talk with a therapist alone to sort out her feelings.

*PPD

If she only started to act this way after the baby, I would get her help.

Tell him directly and concisely.

"I need to tell you something. Your breath smells bad. I don't know what it is. But you need to see the dentist."

Don't do all the eggshell overly verbose, roundabout way.

It's more insulting when you do that.

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“Babe, your breath stinks in a way that’s very concerning to me. I think it’s something a dentist needs to check out.”

When it comes to health, don’t worry about hurt feelings. It’s more important that you get to the point so he knows how serious it is.

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Sounds like she is staying put for the kid and house and security but she obviously has other interest with someone else (in her phone).

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It started happening a bit about three years ago but now seems to be daily. It's been worse since he's started with a new therapist who seems to be all about validating feelings and self advocating.... which is all great in principal but when you have to live with someone who tells you that your genuine attempts to help them are somehow an attempt to brush their feelings under the carpet, it's really infuriating.

This has all the signs of her being emotionally attached to someone else, possibly a coworker or ex. Look at phone records and her social media postings. If you see one person responding more than anyone else or she responding to someone a lot, red flag city.

It could also be a postpartum thing but please keep digging.

I just want to point out that she is abusive. No argument should escalate to violence. She threw a wine bottle at you and you had to go to the hospital. Please leave her. You don't deserve to tolerate abuse, you deserve better.

As far as bottom surgery, only get it if you want it. Don't do it for someone else.

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How long has this been happening?

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If you’re going to stay with her, then there is nothing you can do man. She’s going to do whatever she wants no matter how it makes you feel.

I also want to add that OP doesn't describe what the relationship was like BEFORE kids. Was she affectionate? Or aloof? Was she never a touchy feely person? Did she look forward to going on dates with OP? Did she ever initiate sex? Without knowing that, it's difficult to know how sharp a dropoff this is from her pre-baby personality.