there are discrepancies in your relationship. he gain weight and after living together you know he's a slob. but you don't mind those. for some ppl that's a negative changes.

i assume he doesn't like you're gaining weight but he never said anything because he gains weight too. and it's maybe true that he's becoming less attracted to you.

maybe have a sit down and try to get better together. you try to lose weight and you asked him not to be a slob and start helping out or he tries to lose weight as well. don't ask him to do both cos he will feel it's unfair. i think it's better to be someone that he wanted rather than policing his social media usage.

with the insta girls. personally i think it's hard to supervise that. those kind of stuff also appears in my feed and occasionally i look at them. im married and i know my wife dont have body like those models but im still masturbating to video of us having sex the most.

Take the trip without him. Spend three days looking after yourself and examining the relationship as a whole. At the end of it all ask yourself if you are looking forward to seeing him again and going back to how things are between you. Anything other than a definite yes means its time to call it quits.

Relationships can't be 'sunshine and roses around the door' all the time but the overall general vibe should be happy and fulfilled, not frustrated and drained, which sounds liike where you are. It's very possible that you've simply outgrown him and a break might be just the clarity you need to accept that.

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Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

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Its ok to just send a nice text, even if its to ask them to choose between two choices for dinner, or and other excuse to just let them know you care.

Just leave the topic alone until they are ready again. when Im waiting, I date my wife a little more, just to let her know no matter what, Im there

ok i have gotten a few notifications that ppl are commenting but they are not showing up 😭

She's not a bad person overall... her normal self is sweet, caring, very loving, silly, and fun.

Rip, my experience is that most people with BPD ("pwBPD") are good and caring individuals, as long as you don't draw so close, for so long, that you start triggering their two fears. Their problem is not being BAD but, rather, being UNSTABLE.

Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions, resulting in unstable behavior. This is why, outside the USA, most countries call this disorder "emotionally unstable personality disorder" (EUPD).

It therefore is common for a pwBPD to exhibit the warmth, spontaneity, vulnerability, and purity of expressions that otherwise are seen only on the faces of young children. This is one reason why pwBPD usually are very easy to fall in love with. It thus is not surprising that 3 of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, and Princess Diana -- all had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

My GF has BPD. She will go back and forth between loving me and seemingly not loving me.

My experience, Rip, is that a pwBPD usually is capable of loving you very intensely -- but it is the immature type of love you see in young children. This means she will occasionally flip -- in only seconds -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And a few hours or days later, she can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a primitive defense called "black-white thinking."

Like a young child, a pwBPD never had an opportunity to learn the emotional skills needed to handle two strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) at the same time. This means she has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. She thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind.

With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only a few seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

It's like she changes into a different person without anything triggering it.

Rip, yes, that is the way it seems to me too. It seems that there is no apparent trigger for her mood flip. But there actually is a very real trigger for each event. This trigger can be hard to see because that whatever you do will be hurtful to an untreated pwBPD much of the time.

For example, a comment or action that pleases her on one day may greatly offend her when repeated a week later. Moreover, she often will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON'T do it. In this way, you often are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Your predicament, Rip, is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.

Consequently, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. A pwBPD usually craves intimacy like nearly all other adults -- but she cannot tolerate it for very long.

Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy. This is why her sense of personal boundaries is so weak that she has difficulty seeing where HER feelings and problems stop and YOURS begin. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you often will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto you. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality -- and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body.

Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from you. This is why an untreated pwBPD usually BELIEVES the false accusations coming out of her mouth (at the moment she is saying them).

Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, you often will find yourself hurting her -- i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still and saying absolutely nothing. At least, this has been my experience, Rip.

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I told her that if she wasn't comfortable with meeting this person I wouldn't meet up with said person. I was 50-50 on it because things were odd and I wasn't sure what to make of things. Sure I'd want closure, but I wasn't going to go get it if the current person I'm with isn't comfortable with my meeting up with that ex.

I feel like I was trying to be honest with my gf but instead I'm suddenly some bad person and my GF is pissed at me.

It isn't really that hard. You can write a letter if you don't know how to vocalize it. Just rip that bandaid off and you'll feel light and free!

>Sex always felt like a chore to me ... In the beginning I was never able to come, he always said it's my fault ... I feel like my view on sex is sort of distorted, I never did it for myself. I had other sex partners after my relationship and I never enjoyed it that much ... We tried making me come, I showed him what I do and I also brought my toy, but it just didn't work. At some point I suddenly broke down crying, I think trying to make me come to no avail triggered me.

The first lie that your ex told you was that it was your fault. Fault and guilt have nothing to do with it. You do not owe anybody an orgasm. Not even yourself. Orgasms, when they happen, are a treat. A treat for you. You're thinking of your own orgasms as a gift to your partner, not a gift to yourself. Please be more selfish about this.

I recommend getting lots of practice in giving orgasms to yourself. By yourself, you don't need to think about anyone else. Try different things, just to see what works and what doesn't. It's all about you.

Once you start to get good at giving orgasms to yourself, think about things you could do with another body in the room to spice things up. Even if it's just somebody to help you operate three toys all at once. Then add that body. Make it a fun, stress-free, exploration. Above all, be sure to enjoy the things that aren't orgasms too.

Um, what about your spouse?

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Maybe she’s trying to connect with you.

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There is nothing wrong with you, you are just not with the right person. He isn't your person.

Your person is still out there trying to find you.