oh lord, I remember going through this with my husband who loved his orange statement wall. LOL.

Honestly, you just have to talk about it and find new furnishings together. Hubs resisted me at first, but I told him I didn't feel like it was my home when it was all his stuff with his orange wall. I needed us to choose different stuff together.

We sold a lot of our stuff and found couches and other things we could agree on. He had a few pieces that I like and we kept those.

I know talking about this stuff is hard, but it needs to feel like the space is both of yours.

i think everyone will have different level of ok with this. luckily you understand how it feels so you don't get upset too much.

i think the ball is in your court. you can ask him to stop cos for most ppl that's cheating. or if both of you are open enough, you can start sexting random ppl too, be open to each other and use the sexual tension from that into your sex life.

just have sit down and talk about it.

Why do you want to share this, something might hurt her, with her?

Not possible I’m afraid.

I asked when she first told me “that sounds like fun! What movie? Can I tag along?”

And I was met with “no no this is going to be a little more tight knit, these are my besties”

Only to find out that its not as tight knit as initially told…

There's three questions you should ask yourself before you say something. Is it true? Is it useful? Is it kind?

If something is not at least two of those things, don't say it. Telling someone you have a fetish that they will never be able to act on is neither useful nor kind. Would you want a list of all the other people she's attracted to?

i understand and agree with what you’re saying and i’m really not sure as i’ve always been open about the fact that i’m okay with porn.

Is Kay still with her partner?

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Some people see this as a game. They desire attention and if your husband is telling her your the important one, its a challenge for her.

The need for attention is an issue many people have

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So you realize you are cheating on Tom, which I guess is some level of self awareness. Imo there's no separation of emotional vs physical and one is better or worse than the other. Unfaithful is unfaithful. You are deliberately engaging in romantic intimacy with someone other than your partner. Your own behavior has shown you are incapable of keeping things "truly platonic" with Kay. If you want to be in a romantic relationship with someone else imo you have to cut way way way down on time with Kay, perhaps even a period of no contact. And Kay has shown with her behavior she's probably not really ever going to take the plunge and fully and openly be with you. I even hestitate to call her your "ex" because yall really were never together by the info in this post. Yall had a messy situationship where Kay was cheating on her partner. Just bad all around.

Even if you ditch Tom and decide to keep the friendship with Kay what are you going to get out of that but more pain, longing, and frustration. Sometimes there's just people you can't be around because the timing is never right. It sucks but it's how we react to these times that shows our character. And right now both of yall seem to be so stuck in the weeds of your situation you can't zoom to see how it makes both of you behave in really bad ways.

Very telling that he is super concerned about his friend throughout this entire post and doesn't mention his wife or feeling guilty at all.

I feel really bad for her and I hope she finds out soon.

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But, I thought being honest and communicating was what’s really important?

Yeah. Obviously don't tell her.

If you’re not sexually compatible it isn’t going to work. I’m sorry but there’s really nothing you can do unless you’re okay with not doing PIV. No assholes here unless you pressure her to have sex

The one thing is that she told my I get access to her phone 100% and I can delete anyone I want whenever I want.

You need to tell him that if he’s not fine with you going and he should let you cancel, otherwise he’s it’s like he just wants to keep punishing you without accepting a solution. Isn’t there a way he could come with you? If not, you should remind him that you put up with his family for 3 years- he can take a bit of inconvenience for a few days.

You need to talk to her about it. She may just be assuming you know you're invited or that you may not want to go for some reason.

Either way, she has no way of knowing your feelings are hurt if you don't tell him. She can do what she wants on her birthday, but I doubt she would be entirely uncaring about how you feel.

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I’m really confused by this. I don’t understand if you have the same layout as the first apartment, wouldn’t it be the go-to, to keep the same layout? Something had to trigger you. Is it just because you’re seeing how he decided where everything went before you were around? Is that it?

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Here's the thing, she's shown you when she tells you 'not to worry' about a guy, you SHOULD worry...

If you get back together, there is always going to be a guy she is telling you 'not to worry about.'