Submitted by Captain__Cow t3_y1407a in tifu
Mood: >! light-hearted, hopefully entertaining !< TW: >! Mild-to-moderate substance abuse !<
Gather 'round, friends, and let me tell you a story of ill-advised mixology, daring bluffs, and a host of glamorous and not-so-glamorous exploits. I'd like to apologize in advance for amy typos; my hands are rather shaky at the moment, for reasons that will soon become apparent.
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The time was 7:00 pm today. I was sitting in a lecture hall, struggling to stay awake. I still had two hours of class to get through, and the teacher's droning, soporific voice was doing a grave disservice to what should have been a fascinating topic.
I wasn't concerned, though; I had a secret weapon. I reached into my bag, and retreived the vial of Captain Cow's Particularly Potent Pick-me-up Potion I had prepared this morning. I uncorked the bottle and took a small sip of the cloudy red liquid inside. It burned my throat, and the acrid, bitter taste clung to my lips. It took half a bottle of water to purge the evil flavors from my mouth. But then, this stuff wasn't supposed to taste good; it was supposed to get results. I sat and waited eagerly for it to take effect.
Half an hour later, the temptation to drift off to sleep was still there, clouding my mind and weighing down my eyelids. I decided I needed a little more juice. This time I took a hearty mouthful, forcing it down my throat despite my body's protests.
That, dear reader, was a mistake.
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At this point, we should rewind a few years for some much-needed context. This is the part of the story with the daring bluff and the glamorous exploits.
I graduated high school with the help of prescription stimulants, which were only prescribed for a short time. I took them on an as-needed basis, and squirreled the excess away for a rainy day.
Fast forward a few years, to the rainiest rainy day in recent history: the pandemic. The collective mental health of the world took a nosedive, and I was right there with everyone else, plummeting toward rock-bottom. I remembered how well prescription stimulants had worked for me in the past, but I didn't want to exhaust my dwindling stash or pay exorbitant prices for street adderall, so I started looking into alternatives.
Dear reader... did you know you can just go on the internet and buy a canister of pure, laboratory-grade caffeine? I didn't, until one fateful night in December of last year. I sat staring at my computer screen, my mind awash with new hope and anticipation. I added the canister to my cart, and pressed the big green button.
As it turns out, ordering stimulants - even legal ones - from an industrial biochemical supply company isn't as simple as "just push the big green button." They wanted to know that I was a responsible scientist working with a reputable research institution, and not, for example, a burned-out college student trying to impulse-buy enough caffeine to kill a horse. I sat staring at the form for a while, wondering if I was the kind of person who would try to bluff their way through a background check to order soft drugs from a chemical supply company. The bottle of single-malt on my desk cast the deciding vote.
I woke up the next morning feeling bright and chipper. (My brain was designed to be alcoholic. I get anti-hangovers.) I sat down at my computer and checked my email: one new message, from a contact at a biochemical supply company. The events of the previous night came flooding back to me.
Oh fucking hell ass balls, I thought. They must have followed up with the school. I'm probably about to be expelled. Son of a ass, why did I think this would work?
Heart pounding, I opened the email.
"Dear Cow," it read. "We're writing to inform you that your recent request to be added to the list of authorized purchasers for Cow College has been approved. Click this link to complete your order."
I stared at the screen, dumbfounded. I clicked the link, still dumbfounded. I placed my order. I spent the rest of the year adding carefully-measured portions of semi-legally-obtained caffeine to my tea, making each cup of chamomile the equivalent of eight cups of coffee.
I was back, baby!
I got back into cooking. I took up hobbies. I went on dates. I pulled all-nighters. I went from nocturnal to diurnal to nocturnal again. I did all my homework on the roof (students weren't supposed to have roof access, but I was an exception because I was good at picking locks.) I saved my declining grades. I graduated.
I decided to take more classes.
~ ~ ~
...which brings us to today, when I decided a swig of Mama Moo's Probably-Potable Pep Potation was exactly what I needed to make it through my evening class.
"So, Cow," I hear you ask, "what was in this mysterious mixture?"
Everything, I reply with a shameful grimace. Everything was in it. It was half espresso and half tobasco sauce, fortified with pure caffeine, amphetamine, nicotine and methylphenidate. One sip is the equivalent of washing down a ritalin and half an adderall with twelve cups of coffee. A shot glass of the stuff would send an adult into ventricular fibrillation. It's an unholy blend of stimulants and capsaicin in an acid bath. It's an ill-advised, irresponsible and most-certainly-illegal elixer of inexorable anxious energy. It should never be imbibed. It should be sealed in a lead-lined box to protect future generations. It's a crime against nature. I should be locked up for creating it.
So now I lie here in my bed, taking long deep breaths, trying to keep my mind and body under control while the concoction slowly drains from my system. My muscles are trembling, my resting heartrate is 90bpm, and I can feel the adrenaline and cortisol pumping through my veins. It's a good thing I have prior practice preventing panic attacks, or else I'd surely be curled into a fetal ball of suffering by now.
Don't worry, internet friends, I've learned my lesson.
Next time, I'll only take one swig.
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TL;DR - Today, I mixed up a bottle of Sergeant Steer's Suspiciously-Strong Stay-awake Sauce to help me stay awake through my evening class. It was an unholy mixture of espresso, tobasco, laboratory-grade caffeine, amphetamine, nicotine and methylphenidate. I underestimated its potency and imbibed far more than I should have. Now I'm suffering through the after-effects of my satanic swill, trying to keep my mind and body under control until the evil brew has run its course. Lesson learned: one. sip. only.
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EDIT: I'm kind of floored by how much people have engaged with this, both to appreciate and condemn it, and I'd like to address a thing or two.
1: Everything I've described is a terrible idea, that nobody should imitate. I'm playing up the chaos goblin undergrad character to make for an entertaining read, but the truth is all of these decisions were bad ones. In hindsight, a couple honest conversations with a psychiatrist would have been a much much better way to address my mental health struggles during the pandemic. Oh well, better late than never, which brings me to point 2:
2: The concern and support from y'all has been heartwarming and eye-opening for me. I've written a lot of comments in the past few hours telling people not to follow my example, and I'm realizing I really needed someone to tell me that too. I'm going to email my psychiatrist tomorrow and set up an appointment. It's long overdue. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression / ADHD / feeling unable to function, know that you're not alone, and there are a lot of great people you can turn to for support ♥
3: omg you guys really like my writing that much? Aw shucks... y'know... I recently wrote a short story as a comment in another sub... and I was sad that nobody saw it... I think it's much more well-written than this post, so like... I dunno, if anyone is looking for something short and silly to read, y'know 👉👈