Submitted by mckaylalopez t3_106dhv1 in tifu
I’ve wanted my own hard wax kit for so long. I finally got one today and I waxed EVERYTHING. Legs, arm pits, eyebrows, coochie.
The wax is amazing. Goes on smooth as butter. Legs were fine. Eyebrows are easy. Armpit….bout snatch my soul. I had to have my kid pull it off. It was one of those “you laugh at how painful it was” and your eyes water.
Now see, I wasn’t concerned about coochie. My husband takes my girl to pound town at least twice a week. That was gonna be easy.
I get my kid in bed. I shower and begin the worst experience in my life so far. I followed the directions. Did the pubic bone. When I tell you I saw bright lights flash, I thought I passed out. But im not a quitter. So I do the labia. The directions say to make a horse shoe, but I was like nah we are doing a single side.
I was wrong. So very wrong. I felt like voldermort splitting his fucking soul into horcruxs. I snapchat friends for help and they just laughed at me (rightfully so).
I had the bright idea that maybe I should do the horseshoe. So I do the horseshoe. I have so many regerts now. I laid in bed with an iron clad coochie, waiting for my husband to get home. I can only imagine the joy he is going to have when I have to ask him to pull it.
He gets home and immediately calls me an idiot of trying to do my whole cooch on day one and still trying to figure out how to use it. Somehow I’ve convinced myself that if my family is licensed to be a cosmetologist or aesthetician, maybe it genetically flowed into me. This is also how my husband ended up with a bald head in 2020 when I convinced him I could cut hair. (I’d like to add, he just succumb to my peer pressure. He did not once in our almost 10 years together, think I actually possessed these skills. In fact, he tried to instill in me that I do not have any of these skills.)
He stares at it, ready to break this barrier between him and his dinner. I’m panicking because I know he is going in with no mercy. I showed him that I started typing this. We are reading it together and unbeknownst to me, he looks down out the corner of his eye and rips the wax strip like he is cranking up a lawnmower that he just fixed.
At that same moment, my left lip was lit on fire, sent my body into a full seizure, and my soul ascended to the stars. I stated that I want to keep the rest. It was apart of me. I would just grow it out, cut it when it was long enough. That wasn’t an answer he was willing to accept.
A wrestling match started to keep the sacred wax wad. I finally gave in and allow him to finish the horcrux curse.
My coochie looks likes it has alopecia. The wax was so poorly applied, it’s patchy af. So now I gotta figure out wtf do I do now. I can’t have a professional see this mess. I’ll be one of their stories they will tell for years to come. People are gonna think I have crabs if I shave and it’s half grown and half waxed. When it starts growing back, it’ll itch like a mofo. Neighboring hair follicles angry that I stole their brothers and sisters.
I’ll be drowning my sorrows in a bowl of pizza rolls.
TLDR: tried waxing my vag with no experience. Too painful to do it by myself, so my husband got enjoy the fruits of my stupidity by ripping it off.
Edit: I don’t have an OF. I just have no shame when it comes to an itch. So if my muffin is screaming, I gotta itch it. On the outside of my pants of course. Ya girl isn’t trying to catch a charge.