Submitted by G-Town_Exile t3_109ra2v in tifu
This happened in late October 2022.
3 pieces of vital background:
(1) My brother (M42) and SIL (F42) had an unplanned but not unwelcome 4th child in March. The age gap between my new nephew and their next youngest is 13 years.
My wife (F46) and I (M45) have discussed this situation and we're taking every precaution to avoid the same thing happening to us. We have twins who are out of the house at university and no wish to start over.
(2) My wife and I (different jobs, different companies) have always travelled for work. We both got asked to travel - coincidentally, she left the morning of the night I got back.
By the time my wife got home we had not seen each other in 19 days or had sex for 24. This is the longest dry spell in our 23 years of marriage except for after when the kids were born.
(3) I have Type 2A Von Willebrand Disease (VWD). In simple terms, it's a blood clotting disorder with the main real world effect (at least for me) being that if you take 5 minutes to stop bleeding, I'll take anywhere from 10 to 15.
Now to the FU:
The night before my wife was due back she sends me a nude of her 'clean shaven'. Knowing what that means, I decided to return the favour.
Next morning, I'm manscaping away when the safety guard to my clippers breaks. I am prone to occasional moments of idiocy, (this being one of them), so decided to carry on sans guard. I continued shaving my balls and the clipper's teeth caught my nut sack!
Cue blood everywhere, not to mention the pain. Cleaned myself up enough to see the wound and it looks ugly. The bleeding is not unexpected due to my VWD so I apply pressure and tape a bandage on.
3 hours later the bleeding hasn't stopped and the initial pain has not subsided. I decide it's doctor time and phoned my best mate (Dr W). He is a urologist, is aware of my VWD and because he's my mate will see me quickly without scheduling an appointment.
Messaged my wife - don't be alarmed, but I can't fetch you from the airport. Take an Uber to Dr W's office and I'll fill in the details then.
Arrive at my Dr W's office - he says that I need one single stitch to stop the bleeding & the usual meds to control clotting and possible infection.
I tell him to go ahead. My wife arrives just as he is getting ready. After explanations and laughter, he makes the fatal comment - you know you cut yourself in the exact place that I would if I was giving you a vasectomy.
Wife looks at me, I look at wife. Dr W sees our faces and instantly clicks, as he is a good friend to my brother as well.
And that kids, is how shaving my balls in preparation for sexy time resulted in my vasectomy.
TL:DR Shaved my balls in anticipation of sexy time. Got a vasectomy instead.
Edit 1: to answer common questions/comments
(1) Wife and I had discussed a vasectomy beforehand and in detail with Dr W. Hesitancy was due to VWD complications
(2) I signed all the appropriate paperwork before the procedure. There absolutely was informed consent
(3) Yes, I got snipped on both sides
(4) We are still using BC until I get the all clear. Dr W said it averages around 4 months. Next test is end February
Edit 2: My highest rated contribution of any form to Reddit involves shaving my balls and testicular surgery. My wife thinks this is hilarious!