Obligatory this happened a few months ago. Hopefully this doesn't violate the vulgarity rule.
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Some background: my husband and I are polyamorous. We date other people consensually. This is not a story about cheating spouses. Typically, if one of us has a date over, it will be on a night that the other spouse has plans and is out of the house (for privacy). We also have a rule that we do not engage in sexual acts with other people in our bed (for sanitary reasons).
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So, as I mentioned, this happened a few months ago. I was out, and my husband had a 'friend' over. They watched a movie, hooked up, and ordered some food. After their date, I come home, and he tells me how it went. While recounting the evening, he mentions to me that they got freaky on the couch in the living room (not unheard of, the couch is really easy to clean), and that it ended in anal sex. Anal isn't really my thing, so I was happy that they could enjoy that together.
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I work from home. My husband does not. Because of my neurodivergent brain, I have a hard time staying or working in one place, so I tend to move around the house a lot - in the kitchen, in the office, in our bed, in the living room.
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At some point, I plop down on the couch and notice a brown smear. I freeze. Is that what I think it is?!?! I am horrified. Disgusted. Not knowing what to do, I get some cleaning supplies and quickly clean it up. It comes off easily. No smell. I wash my hands and continue about my day.
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Here's where I fuck up. My husband comes home, and I am too mortified to tell him what I saw/cleaned up. I just can't form the words to tell him. So I keep it to myself. For SEVERAL DAYS. I'm not sure how many. I am simply too shocked and embarrassed to bring it up to him.
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Finally, I decided it's time to breech the subject because, after days of deliberation, I decide that I can't have shit stains on my couch again in the future. This will not stand. I bring it up to him as gently as I can, telling him that I found a stain of questionable origin on the couch and cleaned it up for him. I ask, in the future, when he's getting busy with a date to please be more aware of his surroundings and considerate to me. For a moment, his face is pure horror. And then, he bursts into laughter. He's laughing so hard; he could barely tell me that it wasn't shit I cleaned off the couch. After their romp, they ordered ice cream to be delivered, and it was covered in some peanut butter/fudge sauce. Obviously, I didn't dare smell the substance on the couch, but if I had, I would have known it was peanut butter that I had cleaned, not his girlfriend's fecal matter. And then he asked me why I had kept it to myself for DAYS instead of addressing it with him immediately. We still laugh about it often. The moral of the story is to ALWAYS have clear communication with your partner(s).
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TL;DR - Husband and I are poly. He and his gf had anal sex on the couch. I find a brown stain and clean it up, but I'm too embarrassed to confront him about it. Turns out the stain was peanut butter, not feces.
Edit: Wow rip my inbox lol. To the person that enjoyed this story enough to give me gold, thank you you're awesome. To all the hateful and judgy people in these comments, I'm disappointed in you but not surprised.
Just because you couldn't do it, doesn't mean it's inherently flawed. My husband and I have a really awesome and loving relationship, and no, we're not getting divorced lol. Yall don't even know us, and it's really obvious that you never get laid. So judgy and jealous, sad.
No more dick pix pls.
Edit 2: thanks again for the awards lol. Some of you are nice people. I'm glad you enjoyed my funny anecdote.
For those of you that have a problem with the bed/sheets/couch thing. I get it. We have spare bedrooms that we use for this, too. It's just more fun to have sex all over the house. We've done it on the couch, in the pool, on the kitchen counters. You should try it sometime. Or if you find that gross, don't come to my house lol. I asked, and they did put down a towel before sex but removed it before ice cream arrived.
For all of you judging my relationship and telling me we're doomed, yall are really showing your insecurities and jealousy issues. Do you know that half of monogamous marriages end in divorce, right? But feel free to judge my happy marriage lol. How about this - if you really think my relationship is gonna fail, let's make a bet. For ever year we don't break up, you pay me 100 USD. If we do break up, I repay it all with 10% interest. Anyone willing to put their money where their mouth is, PM me.
Oh and PS, I marked this NSFW for a reason. Lots of yall missed that.