Submitted by TheSlothsAreWatching t3_10i5z05 in tifu
This happened about 20 minutes ago, and I'm currently trying not to get killed by my partner or burst out crying or laughing.
My partner [F18] and I [M21] have a bit of a competition with wedgies, It started as a playful thing when the other was distracted they would receive the wedgie of their nightmares, this normally results in me jumping like a goat in frantic panic to protect my poor gooch from a wedgie of ass destruction. Or my girlfriend yelping like a wounded goat and jumping what can only be described as 10 ft into the air in a 180° twist that would make gymnastics proud, and everyone having a giggle after the ceremonious "fuck you, you cunt"
Fast forward to today, my girlfriend and I are playing around in the bed when she's on top of me cuddling, I see my opportunity for she has made the lethal mistake of wearing a pair of my loose fitting boxers, the stars align, she's unprotected, and I move with the speed of my ancestors racing to a bottle of whisky and I pounce, time slows, I yank as she throws herself back and reaches to stop me but it's too little too late. As the loose fabric rockets up her back with the speed of a cheetah on cocaine running towards a wounded gazelle. My girlfriend screeches more than usual as I start manically laughing, proud of the perfect wedgie. I release her and she falls. It's then I realize that it's not laughing I'm hearing but crying.
Turns out I've ripped her poor hole asunder and the gooch has been rendered ruined. Proceed with the immediate regret and standard response of every boyfriend who has hurt their partner whilst play fighting, as the groveling and apologies come pouring forth. As my GF calls for sudacreme I realize that in my efforts to attain the perfect atomic wedgie, that like Oppenheimer, some power was not meant for human hands and the casualties are too high. I must now spend the rest of the night vigorously apologizing and applying sudacreme to my partners ring. Toilet roll might be put in the freezer.
TL;DR I gave my partner the wedgie of a lifetime and have torn her holes asunder, Icarus flew too close to the sun.
Edit 1: I should make it clear that my girlfriends taint/gooch is safely being cared for, as my mother always said sudacreme can cure anything except cancer, and she is now asleep having had a right good laugh at the comments.
Edit 2: spelling, as sad as it is I'm not as good a wordsmith as many of you believe, I am Scottish and we only recently have evolved to say any word past cheers, cunt and which one of you took a shite and didny flush.
Edit 3: thanks all for your kind words and criticism, can't please everyone and remember I'm not J.R.R. Tolkien or King I wrote a minor fuckup in a way to brighten people's days and have a laugh not win any writing awards, don't take it too seriously.