A lot of people with Chinese ancestry give themselves a ‘western’ name in my country. Probably for a number of reasons; makes them (and closeted racist people) feel like they fit in, easier to remember, people can spell and pronounce it, etc.

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My mom is a medical doctor who went by maiden name at work. If I visited and asked where Dr. X was the staff would be very confused but it I asked for Dr. Y they knew exactly who she was. It was her choice to do that at work.

I admit to being so confused that when I got married I had to ask if she wanted to be introduced as Dr. X, Dr. Y, Mrs. Y X, or, Mrs. X. She looked at me as if I had two heads and said "Mrs. X". I thought it was a reasonable question.

You do what works for your family. Life's weird enough!

That's what I meant. If it's legal then I find it pretty insulting to not use the new name. If it's just a stage name it seems kind of fair for the gf to still use the real name privately

Because I respect myself and others?

This is my thought also. It sounds like the both have issues with communication. I can't imagine changing my name without discussing it with my partner first. Not to ask her permission or anything, but to give her a heads up and also provide an opportunity to talk about it first.

Where do you work where a name can too ethnic?

You deal with it by one of two ways:

1. Break up with the person who believes what you want don’t matter when it’s opposite to what she wants- at this point, it’s abusive and not okay.
2. Set your boundary one more time, and go to therapy. If this doesn’t work immediately, you leave.

She’s straight up telling you that she believes she is above you. If she thought you were her equal, she would’ve started using your new name immediately.

I hope this is the only red flag in her behaviors, but I highly doubt it. Do a serious, objective review of how she treats you.

I wish you the best. Stay safe!

>Suddenly no one talks about the age gap

Are you no one?

I'd say rather: Oh look here's somebody bringing up the age gap, and ITS ME, and also there is a chip on my shoulder.

> i’m fine if she uses it at home. But she has been using my old name even outside the house, in industry parties, interviews etc. which is not what I want.

I feel like the question you have is covered by this.

And yet Kiwifruit outsells Chinese Gooseberry by a ton in Western markets, because naming influences perception.

This one time, at band camp...

> Suddenly no one talks about the age gap.

Because it's not a big enough age gap to comment on.

Own it. Write out a better list and list your ideas for solutions. Go directly over your bosses head and give it to their boss.

Tell them you can create a much better work environment if you were in your bosses position. Worst case, when he shows up to say you need to be terminated, it'll look like he's on the defensive now. Maybe you still get fired, but you probably will anyway without doing this. Now if they give your next job a bad review of you, you can say that they were upset you took initiative on solving office problems, then turn it around to how it was a learning experience about doing things the right way. No matter what it sounds better than getting fired cause you did something dumb while drinking.

Best case they fire or move your boss and you get the job.

Man I'm so sorry for your situation. It really really sucks.

Your gf sounds like she is in a state of mental health crisis, and that needs to be addressed. I don't know what can be done to get her help, but she needs it. As a part of her getting help, she will likely interface with a social worker, who will also be able to help resolve things.

It does sound like you're deep in the darkness too.

From the details of your post, I assume that mental healthcare would be hard to get due to lack of resources. If that's incorrect, then by all means, you should seek treatment for yourself too.

Poverty fucking sucks. Feeling like you can't make ends meet when you have the responsibility of a family is absolutely crushing. Have you taken advantage of the community resources that are around? Things like welfare, food stamps, WIC, etc?

It does sound like maybe it would be a good idea for your kids to spend some time with relatives if you have them, while you and your gf regroup. I strongly feel that your gf is not in the frame of mind to care for them on her own.

Having young kids around is fucking hard. Nobody likes to admit it because it gets in the way of all those perfect Facebook posts, but if we're being honest with ourselves, it's very very hard. Raising a young family on a seriously tight budget is enough to drive anyone to the edge.

How'd the kids react?

Yeah, that’s what I’m wondering. If the “new name” personality is different from the “old name” personality. Like a work personality vs. home, but it’s crossing over into personal life.

Maybe the name change came with some personality shift in public. That would make sense with the “I fell in love with ‘old name’”.

Gf an asshole for dead naming you

You must be a delight to date!

No, but legally changing ones name shows an extra personal commitment than simply using a pseudonym for professional reasons

Easy there, we’re only hearing one side of what happened, and even by his own admission, OP is leaving a lot out and even admits he is not the nicest person to be around, being “overall terrible”, and even being “an abuser”. His girlfriend was probably having a mental breakdown and his response to that was to scream at her to get the fuck out of his house and wasn’t willing to even wait to let her put shoes on first. Then when he starts to get pushy about forcing her out of the house, they physically fight, and she locks herself and the kids in a room and OP’s response to that is to essentially break down the door to get to them.

Neither of them are good for each other right now. Neither of them are helping the other and both need to spend time apart to collect themselves and get some help. This is not a healthy relationship and the screaming, cussing, physical fights and slamming doors will cause long lasting effects on their kids’ impressionable brains.

Why would she ever need to use your name? I’ve only ever used my partner’s name when introducing them to others, and that’s rare. Usually i just use “love” or “my love”.

Yeah, I get that this was a different situation. I was just curious as I have no kids, but the parents I know seem not to let them out of their site for more than a few minutes. 8 seems like a reasonable age for a little while alone during the day.

Trombone