I think im putting my daughters needs above my wife’s.

I know it benefits me personally also but that is not my intention (I know you will not believe me).

I hate what im putting my wife through. She definitely does not deserve any of it. I’d do anything to take it back but I can’t

No no no no stop being in your own head and thinking like such a dick. seriously wtf. you fucked up. YOU. YOU DID THIS. you can’t undo this- you are STILL being selfish. you will continue to destroy your wife and family if you do this.

please open your eyes before you say anything to your wife. do not be so selfish.

I think what OP can do is plan some "remembering" moments. Like, a special day a year where he remembers the good things. Tells stories, that kind of thing. He dead, he's not competition.

You are right my actions will hurt my wife more. I regret that very much but I am balancing that against the future I think I can provide for my daughter.

It won’t be perfect because of my actions. I wish my wife and I could both be present in her life, but because of me that won’t be possible.

My wife’s family could provide some support but not as much as mine could. All things considered, I think the best environment for my daughter would be with my family

after reading a lot of your comments- you need to let her go- and your children go.

your wife is pregnant- her family im guessing is going to provide the support she deserves that she is not getting from you. send money try and stay in contact with your daughter and be supportive and try and maintain whatever relationship you can with your children as they grow.

actions have consequences.

by you taking the child/children your only punishing your wife further for YOUR actions.

My fiance and I have a toy that turns on, and turns UP, but won't turn down or off. We think the button broke. We simply plug it in and it shuts right off. Definitely try this if it happens again!

A story is not “most people.”

But it won’t be just me and my daughter here. I also don’t know if comparing a mothers love and a fathers love is right but I can’t do anything about that.

I know I love my daughter very much and I could give her a good upbringing

Yeah do not mistake your employer for your friend. They don’t need to know why you aren’t feeling well enough to go to worK and unfortunately now they will assume you are drunk/hungover the next time you call out.

Shared custody is 100% out of the picture. My wife is 100% leaving the country. It is out of my control.

I don’t deserve it but I wish I could come to some sort of arrangement but it won’t happen.

I see the future of my daughter as a separate issue to my sins. I will forever regret what I have done but I love my daughter and I would be able to care for her in my country more than I think my wife could in hers, in her particular circumstances

That's why I use the "only drink on weekends, and not the day before work" method.

Ok, I’m done with this conversation. Go ahead and hurt your family even more, then you have, instead of doing the right thing for once. You don’t want to listen to reason. You just want to do what you want AGAIN. Proving AGAIN how selfish you are. You’ve already admitted that you will never be able to provide mentally/emotionally the way mom can. You are looking strictly at financial… what you can spend and where that money can afford to have you live… but money can be given away… and you can still provide a decent life for your daughter from half way across the world.

I get where your coming from, as a single father. But if I knew there was someone who could give my son a better mental/emotional life while I paid in the background… I would do it because its what’s best for him, and that’s what matters most. But with my situation, there is no one else, just me and him.

Thank you for your considered response.

You are right. I have no say in what happens to my relationship with my wife. I will regret this until the day that I die and I will never meet anyone who I love more (I plan on being 100% with anyone I meet in the future anyway so there is zero possibility of me dating let alone marrying anyone)

I completely understand the hatred I’m getting and it is all accurate. I am a horrible human who has made grave mistakes with terrible consequences that I will never be able to fix.

If my wife leaves the country I will 100% not be able to have any contact at all, ever. Shared custody is completely out of the picture so as much as I’d love to come to an arrangement, i don’t deserve it and it won’t happen anyway

Dude, you literally just read a story about it lmao

Love and grief often has a tendency to take logic out of the picture.

wash it in a very warm bath with maybe some dawn, that’s what i do and yeah wash it occasionally

This is the correct response

Different developed Asian countries

I regret my actions very much. I wish I never did it, I have huge shame for what I have done.

Yeah, I'm more wondering why- and putting this nicely- it's at all appropriate to blast this shit all over a public forum like Reddit?

This seems like one of those things that should /remain private/.

I’ve been told the same

I accept that what I have done is abhorrent and the natural reaction is that I am irredeemable and will never be fit to be a parent.

I have cheated and I caused the breakup of an otherwise happy family. Nothing I will ever do will be able to erase the shame and guilt I have over this.

Emotions aside, I think I have a better chance of giving daughter a decent upbringing in my country than my wife’s. It’s not just about how much money she will be able to spend on daughter. The whole environment considered, I think daughter could be better off with me

why did you cheat?

like if you regret this so much- and still dipped your dick in someone(s) else twice why.

you owe it to your wife- and your daughter to BE A BETTER PERSON. not talking about basically taking your daughter from your wife since you make more money. clearly your moral character needs a slap up the head.

why can’t there be shared custody? or alimony and child support?

and even if she took full custody you PAY HER. so she can take care of YOUR child.

Here's going slightly against the grain here, though not entirely. I mean, if you want to try to work things out, that's not up to you at all anymore. You just get to let her know, then leave her alone until she speaks to you.

That being said... yeah, you emotionally fucked her up, but you gave her a disease dude. What insane state of being put you in a place where you could sleep with a person who had an STI, then throw that back at your wife? You absolutely NEED to seek therapy no matter what the outcome. Was it a prostitute? "Massage" parlor? Drug/addiction related? Or was it an actual random one off that just coincidentally had something? No matter the answer, you need to address the root of the problem.

Here's the other thing... many of the people telling you how horrible of a person you are for this have been hurt by something similar being done to them. Consider their words to you as a mirror of how you made your wife feel, just to get an idea of where she's at.

The custody thing no one has a right to judge on without knowing details. Arguments can be made, but this isn't about your child... I truly hope you can maintain a relationship with them, though.

Now... here's the part I might get some heat for. You're not a monster. You're not a piece of trash. You're a guy who made a mistake with some pretty grave consequences, and yeah, you get to bear most of these feelings on your soul because an apology won't fix this, no matter how sorry you are. That being said, you need to change yourself before trying to be in a committed relationship because it's not fair to anyone else if you promise to commit without being able to see it through.

Good luck, man. Sincerely.

There is zero chance of me being able to maintain a presence in daughters life if wife leaves the country. It just won’t happen no matter how hard I try.

It’s unfortunately not going to be a 50-50 situation so we have to decide which country provides a better upbringing for my child