This is a big fear of mine. I take medication that sometimes just randomly makes me vomit, not always with a lot of warning. I also pee uncontrollably when I vomit.

You didnt fuck up, your friend isnt listening to you. Shes made up her mind about what happened without even asking anyone and now she wont hear any different. Presumably the couch isnt even in the same room as his bed.

Buddy, you're going to come out better on the other side of this. My past relationship of 6 years devolved to a point of her cheating and gaslighting and not communicating despite me trying, which was only fuel for my insecurity and turned to plain anxiety. Checking her phone always makes things worse for you, no matter what you find.

Work on yourself. You now know things you don't want in a relationship, how are you going to make sure they don't happen again in the future? What are things that do make you happy and how are you going to contribute to that?

Currently engaged to the most wonderful, kind and understanding woman I've ever met because I decided firmly what I wanted, and every date I went on I clearly set those expectations and boundaries. I explained what I wanted and who I was. Some didn't like that, no worries, then they weren't the right people for me. My current fiancée loves how "emotionally mature" I was to be that open from the start. Loves how I know myself and what I want and what I can contribute.

i'm guessing there were several doctors and perhaps a personal injury lawyer present ;)

I was expecting something far different, more along the line of realising you’re allergic or something

Sounds like you’re spiraling bro. I’ve been there. The thing that helped me keep from drowning when I felt like I was going under, was to realize that these moments tend to ebb and flow. Today it feels like you’re under an ocean or despair that’s suffocating you and you feel like you’re never going to surface. In a few weeks though, or maybe even a few months or years, the exact same things are still painful, but don’t seem to drive you to the same depths they did before, and then randomly a few weeks go by and they’re overwhelming again.

Knowing that always let me know that, however bad I’m feeling in that moment in time, it’s just that, a moment in time. So tomorrow, or maybe the next day or the day after that, might be better. It gave me some semblance of perspective and helped me keep an eye on the proverbial shoreline so I can always keep my sanity back while the tides of despair had died down a little.

The hard part after that was figuring out how to do the hard work to slowly build yourself an emotional raft or boat, to fine the motivation to put in work and build something out of yourself but by bit, so that one day you can finally sail yourself to calmer waters and escape the cycle.

No one can really tell you how to do that though. It sucks, but even if someone gave you directions, it’s not like you they’ll mean anything to you while you’re lost in the seas of despair. As long as you keep doing treading water and as long as you keep building that boat of self improvement while the waters are calm, one day you’ll find yourself somewhere better.

Sounds like empty platitudes, but I’ve been where you’ve been and escaped, and so have many others. Best of luck.

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Mudslides are great, yes.

Isn't it neat how alcohol always makes for stories of "I wish I never ...", And yet nobody ever catches on that maybe you shouldn't have alcohol?

no no no no. that is arson my friend. plus it’s a waste of cakepops.

In the future, if you find yourself in a similar situation, have a mutual friend feel out the situation for you confidentially. Like, have her girlfriend say, "you and OP seem like really great friends. Do you ever think about dating him?"

I could burn down the building.

No, I’m defeated. My life has been one massive case of try and fail, push and pull, expectations and disappointment. I’ve never meant anything to anyone, and I’m beginning to no longer mean anything to me. I can’t do anything right. Nothing. Nada.

Honestly, thinking it over for most of the day, I'm still not sure what the best approach would have been. I think the timing was horrible on my part and something like that should really never be done via text. However, I really didn't want to spring something like that on her in person in case she would have felt trapped or cornered. I think texting allowed her to really take a bit to interalize things and provide an honest answer without the "threat" of coercion.

That said, would I have done things differently now that I've had all day to pine over it? Absolutely. I probably shouldn't have done anything and just been content with the friendship that we've built these past couple of years. But, of course, I had to go and make things complicated because I caught feelings for her.

If you’re giving up and have nothing left to lose, then why not just take the rest of your day and have a cry and a nap? You’re emotionally exhausted, not defeated.

Yup! Same brand!

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I really appreciate your thoughts on this, it's very helpful! You're absolutely right, the timing was terrible and I immensely regret it. My thought process was that I should make my feelings known before it's too late and she ends up choosing someone else. But, that obviously doesn't matter if she was never interested in the first place.

Before I decided to go and mess everything up, we had a great relationship and now I don't know where things will end up. I just wish I had the forethought to not say anything. The older I get, the smaller my friend group gets, so messing up a relationship with someone I truly care about has really taken a toll on me. I also am acutely aware that she's still going through shit with her recent breakup and here I am making it all about me, definitely not cool.

I do seem to find myself in situations where I fall for people that are unavailable. It's not something I try to do and it doesn't happen all the time. I really only fall for people that I have a strong connection with, but that feeling never seems to be mutual, so that's clearly an issue on my end that I need to figure out and address.

I absolutely want to continue the friendship and honestly just try to forget that any of this even happened. I spoke with her a bit more and it seems like she's willing to not let this affect things, so the ball is in my court to not fuck things up like I seemingly always do. The hardest part is trying to bury these feelings that I have, but I'm down to do whatever it takes to not lose her as a friend.

Gotcha. Well you have no active will right now. There sheer act of self preservation and of acknowledging it is in itself at least a passive will to go forward. So you have will and have no will.

I think both are true. Something in your mind is dragging you forward while the rest of you collapses. I think that’s okay and part of the process.

Very sophisticated starting with Baileys.

It’s probably self-preservation speaking at this point. I have no will of my own to continue

Well I suppose the thing to do would be to post on Reddit about it. Just to get other peoples perspective, remind yourself that you’re not alone, give goals a distraction. At least that’s what I’d be doing and what it seems like you’re doing now. It’s the healthy natural thing to do.

I definitely appreciate the brutal honesty in your response. I should note that it wasn't necessarily my intention to establish a friendship before anything else. We met just before covid hit and I didn't know much about her personal life at that point. I never saw any indication that she had a boyfriend already and was planning to ask her out at the next happy hour (not work related). But, covid struck before that happened and we didn't reconnect again until everything settled and that's when I found out she had a boyfriend.

As I mentioned, I was fine being friends with her while she had a boyfriend because I genuinely enjoy her company and knew that nothing else would ever come of it because she had been in this relationship for so long. The only reason I made a move at all is because I didn't want to miss my opportunity by sitting on the sidelines. The fact that the breakup is so fresh means it was obviously a bad idea to ask her out and that's all on me.

I'm really just hoping we can move past this awkwardness because at the end of the day she's still the best person in my life regardless of our relationship status. I dunno, I can't help catching feelings for someone that I connect with on such a deep level, it's not like I meant for it to happen, ya know?

I feel it already has. Just contemplating what to do about it