Start with a penis

This is the most believable thing I've ever read. I'll have to type the rest because that first sentence was voice to text and I said wow you're an idiot. I can't believe how badly my phone messed that one up. I didn't believe your story at first but now I have first hand evidence of how bad that pesky voice to text can be.

Sure.

That's not as bad as what I did once. Last year I went to the doc to get my birth control replaced (I have the arm implant). The nurse was asking the usual questions to get my info. I thought she said "at home you feel sick?). I thought it sounded a bit odd but I was thinking to myself, I've been feeling fine at home. So I instantly said no. Well the thing is, she had a mask on and her speech was kinda muffled from it. To make things worse, my husband was standing right next to me when I answered her. When I said no, she gave my husband a dirty look, then looked back at me and said "you don't feel safe???" That time I heard her correctly and quickly apologized and told her I misheard her and yes I feel very safe. My husband was freaking out because he thought they were gonna call the cops on him or something because they think he's abusing me. Which he never has to be clear haha

You missed out big time. Deadpool did it.

At first you have to just breathe, then relax. Try a thumb first.

Better start to cut your own hair, OP. No recovering after that one. Probably should’ve cleared the misunderstanding

If I eat cold food or drink, I start coughing uncontrollably for a bit. Maybe it’s like that?

Yeah it didn't hit me on the iris or pupil area I guess, was very lucky. I'll ask my parents about it in the morning as I was very young when this happened and the memory of the day is quite fuzzy. But I remember running around while my parents were outside chatting and smoking, someone had their arm hanging out over the arm rest in the patio chair, and I just ran face first into the lit cigarette.

E: just talked to dad. Idk how I even remember this, but apparently I was only about 2 or 3 yrs old, and yeah, I just ran face first into his lit cigarette. Superficial damage only, but made himself feel absolutely terrible thinking he'd blinded me lol.

Blessing in disguise, maybe? I’ve heard plenty of Supercuts horror stories.

This reminds me of when my sister stepped on a 2 inch thorn. Parents didn’t take her to the hospital and instead spent an hour with a screaming child (under 10 but I don’t remember exact age. 6-7?) and pulling it out. TIL she’s very lucky it didn’t permanently damage her foot

How in the ever loving fuck.....?! You're extremely lucky to keep your eye and vision intact.

This is honestly something I would do...
I feel for you

Glad you found some value in it. Good luck!

Hahah been there amigo… i told the bastard to print the picture out and swallow it so he could choke on my dong… if my family ever got a pic they didnt tell me

Always call the bluff!

I hope the guy she thought you were walks in soon after.

I'm smashing it with the plunger or brush and throwing it out before I fuck up my knife set lol

oh no! i’m so sorry but this is hilarious.

and you’re right, you can never return to that place 😂

Are you ready for the big day?

My guess would be that if you're about to get it on with a person you don't know that well, maybe you don't want to open with a turd-related question. Might kill the mood...

When I was about that age, I was similarly lazy when it came to cleaning my room. I had gotten a package in the mail in a cardbox box, and never got around to removing the empty box from the floor of my room. One night I'm getting ready for bed, I had just taken a shower and was walking back through my room, barefoot, obviously. This empty cardboard box was in my way, so I gave it a sideways kick with the side of my foot as I walked past, and somehow I caught it at just the right angle that the edge of the cardboard SLICED into the side of foot, and I ended up with this huge gash in my foot, from my toe back down to my heel. I was freaked out, not so much from the pain or blood, but because I couldn't figure out what I did. It felt like I'd ran my foot across a razor blade or sharp knife, and not the edge of the cardboard box. So I hobble back to the bathroom, blood pouring out of my foot, and call out for my parents. So they and my brother are awake now, trying to figure out wtf I did to myself, while I'm trying to get my foot to stop bleeding with towels and washcloths. Eventually we decide I need to go to the ER for stitches, and the doctor there also can't believe this was all due to a cardboard box. To this day I have a shiny white scar along the side of my foot, and I'm now much more responsible when it comes to cleaning my room.

Why not just clear the misunderstanding? i would’ve been like “oh i thought you said birthday” or something. There’s no shame in hearing things incorrectly, i’ve done it a few times and ppl forget after a few minutes.

That numbing agent stings like a MFer.

Lol I also had to rock child eyepatch because I was running around and ran eye first into a lit cigarette. Fully functional vision and no scarring or marks on my eye thankfully.

Ha!