Next time you go out, he’s gonna insist drinks on you

It’s okay, you are a music teacher, so you could build a lesson around how the soundtracks in porn have changed across the decades

> my boss was furious, and I’m not sure what will happen next

I have a pretty good idea

Give it a day and then talk about it again...maybe you unlocked a new kink!

It could be worse, you new name could be “Phil D. Orifice”

Ugh, you gotta burn that place down and move far far away

That’s a team building event if I ever heard of one! Get ready to be invited to more meetings

At least he called it a nightmare and not a good dream

This is an excuse for family members to join him in this activity, which could be a bonding moment and help with seasonal affective disorder

OP’s wife behaves around sweets like my 4 year old niece behaves around sweets

That’s a skill to involuntary just go into autopilot mode to jerkoff. Are you able to autopilot clean up also? That would be ideal

It’s no coincidence that “orange” rhymes with “strange”

Next time, hide your toys behind in your bible, God will protect your secret

What video was it? Maybe you can recommend it to your dad, this will be a new level of your relationship

You know that this condition recurs every 21 years, right? The first time was when you were 21, the next time is...uh...people around you on New Years better take cover

Thank goodness, I thought this was going to be a sex fanfic post where someone “forgot” about a zucchini up their ass or in their vagina until it fell out during a parent/teacher meeting or during Christmas carols or something like that

Or very strategic to let the year end this way...so if it is brought up again, OP can say, “Pfft, that was last year!”

Yes, but OP would be warmed by the fact that his girlfriend’s heart will go on

A conspiracy of cartographers?

Next time say this: “Here’s my number, I’d like to keep in touch with you, although not literally physically in touch because I am saving myself and my body for (crush’s name) over there.”

Hopefully your friend has cameras in the apartment and has captured video of this guy. I’m sure that she’ll see this incident as she’s reviewing the video, looking for your masturbation sessions

Go all in, dye your forearms

Someone help me out, what’s the sub where people post inspirational fitness progress? OP needs to scroll through that and get inspired that she is not destined to be 300 lbs, and that with dedication and focus, she can change her life

EDIT: found it, it’s r/progresspics

I like being called dirty names because I’m a bad girl, can you tell me your number?

You better super double check the clock the next time there’s is daylight savings time