I assume that “and her cat was also named Nala” is an essential part of the sentence and not just extra unrelated information to the fact that you had to flip your best friend to see if they had a penis or vagina

Just tell your parents that you found these sex toys in several friends houses, and to save them, you took the sex toys away from them.

On an unrelated note, fuck your insensitive unempathetic dad for treating your depressed sister’s mental illness like it makes her less than human

Nice knowing you, spud

! I sent my 3 closest friends his direction just in case

What does this mean? Where did they go? And did they patiently wait while you hooked up?

> my friend told me she went t the boys room

Who is this “friend” actually? Sounds like they wanted to break you up

This is kinda dramatic...please update with the results

Just pretend the mold was cheese....that’s safe to eat

In your opinion, between you and your housemate, which one of you got the worst end of sharing a toothbrush?

Lol, I thought this was gonna be about you going to a high end restaurant, not paying attention to the price, ordering more expensive food than you could pay for, being stopped by security before you could dine and dash, and waking up in a bathtub full of ice cubes and missing a kidney

> don’t be an idiot like me

Presumably you mean “don’t chat with prostitutes,” not “don’t forget to clear your chat history after you chatted with prostitutes”

And all the pornhub stories have happy endings, no one is miserable or burning in hell

> I felt like watching porn just like every Sunday

Some people go to church on Sunday, others go to pornhub

Now your boss has to be your new crush, it’s the rule

Awesome, what are you studying for a PhD in?

At least you only breathed and didn’t open with “The DNA test came back, and it’s yours!”

> your fucking wife

Congratulations, you know how kids are made

Better your girlfriend’s friend saw your penis than a scammer who now wants bitcoin or else he will share the video with your Facebook and Instagram friends!

But was it worth it?

Maybe it’s not her gun and she’s getting rid of it for a friend after an unfortunate incident. Better you say nothing because snitches get stitches

> dropped her off so I can go home

First you dropped your kids off in her pool (and didn’t flush) then you dropped her off

Bread is yummy, I want it in my tummy

Thank goodness I thought this was going to be a cat turd

> my kfc and my mcflurry

You dropped your crown, king!

Similar, I only read the TLDR and thought that the guy who died was the guy who informed OP of his death, like in a message from beyond the grave

Either your family needs to trust you more, or the town you live in is a friggin war zone